*accidentally points showerhead in wrong direction*
OH NO! MY SHOWER TRISCUITS!
You Might Also Like
*3.5 thank you very much.
Nailed it…🗑️🐇😅
I’ve made it to 10am without eating my lunch what more do you want from me
I’ve already accomplished* so much today
*been afraid of a goose
Me: Please don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
You: Would you like some coffee?
Me: No.
Facebook is a great platform to find long lost friends to borrow money from.
My husband declared Sunday as a technology free day, so naturally this has led to a closer bond between my children and me as we sneak off to look at my phone.
By the nervous look on his face I thought my boyfriend had an engagement ring hidden in his hand but it was just a stranger’s bra.
Whew.
“What movie?” 🤔
Child: Can I borrow one of your shirts?
Me: Why?
Child: It’s School Spirit Week.
Me: And?
Child: Today is “Dress Like an Old Person Day.”
Going to open a Vietnamese restaurant and name it Viet Nom Nom Nom.
[Courtroom]
Lawyer: It wasn’t the fall that hurt you?
“No sir, it was…THE GROUND!”
*courtroom erupts*
*handcuffs are thrown on the ground*
Bart Simpson is bad for this country of America
Marriage and prison are pretty much the same except in prison. sex with multiple partners is guilt free.
my parents got an amazon echo for christmas & all they do is shout at it & get disappointed by all it can’t do. i’ve been replaced by alexa & it’s great.
if you think about it Medusa had a lot of solid friends
*puts salt and pepper in shopping cart, pushes real good
Every time you make a typo
the errorists win.
“What that moth do?”
– Me after hearing the bug lamp explode
It’s actually only “Frankenstein” if it’s created in the Frankenstein region of France. Otherwise, it’s a sparkling monster.
Princess: I shall marry whomever of you is the bravest
Suitors: [all awkwardly look at the toaster]
Ah the throw away lines of children at the dinner table “I eat the shit food first”.
5-year-old: Dad, can you make the rain go away?
Me: Someone more powerful than me controls the weather.
5-year-old:
Me:
5-year-old: Mom?
‘Mr lover lover mmmhm Mr lover lover, she call me Mr Boombastic, say me fantastic, touch me on the back, she say I’m Mr Ro.. mantic..’
Judge: *sigh* Again, please just state your first and last name for the court or you’re going to jail.
“I DON’T CARE IF YOU THINK IT SOUNDS GROSS THAT’S WHAT WE’RE CALLING IT” – Guy who named the sweater.
I’m already getting anxious over Christmas due to my Santa Claustrophobia-the fear of being smothered in an elevator by a crowd of Santas.
Apparently hitting a butterfly with my car is “not a valid reason to call 911” and I “need to grow up”
Went outside. Touched grass. Got bit by bugs. Zero stars
I just saw a woman outside sitting alone on a bench and staring at nothing and it made me so sad. I wonder what happened to her phone?
A guy asked my kiddos if they were on Santa’s naughty list or his good list. They both said good, but as soon as we got in the car, 4 was worried and asked “sooooo…how good do you have to be, to be on the good list?”
That seems sus.