I’ve already accomplished* so much today
*been afraid of a goose
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Me: I’m depressed
Doctor: I’m going to inject you with dog DNA
Me: How will that help?!
Doctor: Who’s a good boy?
Me: I AM
“I’m so tired of being poor and unemployed,” says the TV show character who wears a new designer outfit in every scene
What happens if you fight a dinosaur?
You get Jurasskicked!
Me: Hi, I’d like to cancel my 8am appointment for tomorrow.
HR: For the last time, call in sick for work like a normal person!
When you’re born, they don’t tell you about challenges you’ll face or friends you’ll make. You’re a baby for chrissakes; it’d be stupid.
At what age do humans become manipulative pieces of shit? Is it three? Feels like it’s three.
I was bored.
When I’m bored in the morning I like to sit one of my boys down, fix them with my dad stare, and say “so….do you maybe have something you’d like to tell me? I’ll give you a little time to think about it”….and then walk away.
Who said parenting can’t be fun?
A spinal surgery practice called Build Back Better.
I just overheard someone threaten that they were going to “put their foot down”. What kind of threat is that unless you’re Godzilla?
Sighing loudly at a Hogwarts meeting and saying, “This could have been an owl.”
In Medieval times, people used antimony as a 𝘳𝘦𝘶𝘴𝘢𝘣𝘭𝘦 laxative.
Today, we can eat a different hotdog every day.
I’m so glad the “you break it, you buy it” policy doesn’t apply to hymens.
Jane Austen really squandered the opportunity to write a sequel called “2 Proud 2 Prejudiced.”
😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
Me: I’m so emotional today
8 ice cream sandwiches: We can help!
Honestly, I’m a woman with a dog and an air fryer, so my topic of conversation is pretty limited
My washing machine at noon: “I will gently wash these clothes.”
My washing machine at midnight: “I WILL WASH THE HELL OUT OF THESE CLOTHES!!”
If you tell me having a dog is the same as having a kid then I’m going to assume you yell at your dog to keep his pants on at Wal-Mart.
I told the kids if they’re not good we’re flying United this summer.
I missed a swipe when shaving my legs and now my leg has a mohawk
a bunch of people at a school dance waiting to get a drink
that’s it. that’s the punch line
The only reason to engage with a neighbor is if either of you is on fire.
me: i like baseball.
man: oh yeah, who hit the 2nd farthest minor league home run during the 1918 season
Girls like guys who take charge: ask her out, plan a date, take a hostage, overthrow a government, nuke her ex’s hometown, buy her a puppy.
[TV detective with a photograph walking into any bar]
bartender: *cleaning a glass* yeah I remember that complete stranger, no matter how long ago, how busy we were, or if I even worked here.
AVENGERS ASSEMBLE
THOR – “here”
HULK – “here”
IRON MAN – “here”
CAPT. AMERICA – “here”
USELESS ARROW GUY – …
I SAID-
HAWKEYE- I HEARD YOU
My superhero name is Typoman. I am the writer of wrongs.