Cancelling plans is okay. Putting yourself first is okay. Going into the forest and abandoning society is okay. Befriending a pack of wolves and assimilating into their wolf pack is okay. Howling at the moon is okay. Do what you need to do to cope.
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My husband is a dentist now! At least he acts like one asking me questions while I’m very obviously brushing my teeth.
employer: if you’re sick don’t come to work so you don’t spread the germs!
employee: i’m sick
employer: how sick?
[texting mom]
u were right, my interviewer wasn’t crazy about the lucky binky
Interviewer: What are you passionate about? I want someone who’s full of passion. Passion is so motivational.
Me: I’m passionate about a paycheque, sir.
You can have glossy lips or you can have a cat. You can’t have both.
I wouldn’t say I “missed” your call.
(cant remember king kong’s name) you know. the monkey. the big monkey. really big. he hates that lizard. but sometimes he is friends with the lizard? the lizard is also big
I always blame other people for my problems and it’s all your fault.
I wish there were musical cues in real life like there are in the movies so I’d know when I’m about to do something stupid.
Look, I just feel like I shouldn’t have to bend over backward to get an exorcism.
Serious question, are there beef songs in other genres? If so please send. I know Mexican cartels got songs about people they killed. But to me, if the other person already dead, that ain’t beef, That’s just journalism.
Make it awkward today by asking people what they did for Valentine’s Day.
When they answer “dinner”, you should say “no…after that”.
I’m at a hockey game and the players weren’t really trying but then a guy 5 rows up yelled “come on” and then they tried harder.
listen closely
Props to the guy who numbered combo meals. Ordering a number four combo meal sounds a lot better than ordering a double quarter pounder meal
When a girl says “I’m cold” don’t be an idiot and say “me too”, instead say “well damn Jackie I can’t control the weather”
If you wanna get on a diet replace the light in your fridge with an air horn .!!
My wife refuses to hire a housekeeper bc *checks notes* she doesn’t want them to see this mess.
Cauliflower is broccoli dressed up as a ghost for Halloween.
I bet the first person that “domesticated” a cat totally regretted it
I wanted to do a random act of kindness, so I took a parking ticket off a car and threw it in the garbage. Boom ticket gone.
“so she’s gay now?”
yeah she turned in all the paperwork last week and her acceptance letter came this morning, it was all pretty sudden
devastated to learn that 2020 is just three 2019’s stacked in a trench coat
[at the top of mt everest]
friend: i can’t believe we did it!
me: i know!
friend: what do you think of the view?
me: whoopi goldberg is amazing and the guest panelists they have always bring a fresh perspective but it should’ve stopped after season 15.
Me: You can watch me shower, but if my husband catches you he’ll kill you
Spider:
Me: Congratulations on becoming a master criminal.
Cousin: I earned a master’s degree in criminology.
Me: So do you get a bigger share of the loot from heists now or what?
Coating a few marbles in melted chocolate to mix in with my Whoppers as a surprise for future me.
There’s a special hole in my backyard for people to hit me in the back of the ankles with a shopping cart.
Kids save all their deepest questions about the universe for when you’re singing along to a really good song in the car.