[texting mom]
u were right, my interviewer wasn’t crazy about the lucky binky
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40 is fun because you feel old as shit and then wham-o your period comes out of nowhere and catapults you right back into your early teens.
Good Cop: If you confess now, you’ll probably just get probation.
Fad Cop: Hey Macarena!
PATIENT: Doc, I haven’t been able to bone my wife lately and I really think-
DR DOG: Wait. Tell me more about the bone part
I think my cleaning people are stealing my paranoia medication.
Me: *sniffing* so hell smells like pizza…
Satan: *nodding*
Me: but just to remind me that I’ll never eat pizza again…?
Satan: *beaming* isn’t it just so evil??
Me: (through tears) so creative
i need one of those jobs they have in sitcoms where it pays my rent but interferes with exactly zero of my social plans or situations
It’s not drinking alone if you’re stuck in traffic
Ever wonder what it’s like to work with the public?
8 asked if I had to choose between not having him or not having chocolate for a whole week what would I do and I said I couldn’t believe he’d even ask me that and then I packed a bag for him and said I’d see him in a week
Went over todo list for fishing vaca, Noticed wife put “WTF” aside “B Plug”.
Had to explain, the “Boat Plug” keeps the water out of the boat
My superhero name is Typoman. I am the writer of wrongs.
If you, don’t know, how, to properly use a comma don’t use, them ok.
In space, no one can hear you scream.
In cyberspace, no one can shut you up.
i hope jessica biel names her first child ‘batmo”
i’d rather go to jail than go camping. at least jail is inside
If E.T. is making your bicycle fly through the sky, why do you still have to pedal?
A dog walks into a bar. Then a bank. Then the dry cleaners. This is a dog world. Way to be productive, dog. Try to do the bar last next time
*sets cauldron over crackling fire*
*adds lock of his hair*
*does magicky stuff*Now love me.
**POOF**
*my left eyebrow falls off*
I’m feeling a little too good about myself today, I guess I’ll call my mother.
To make a long story short:
Hamlet: Everyone dies
Macbeth: Everyone dies
Titanic: Everyone dies
Twilight: You want to die
Often when a man says something gross to me on the street I’m too stunned to say more than “ew.”
But just now a guy goes “what d’you taste like, girl?”
And I somehow managed to respond, almost automatically: “The blood of my enemies.”
Old friend: I barely recognize you.
“That’s the look I was going for. “
me: this is my cousin, carlos
wife: nice to meet you
carlos: *kissing her hand* mucho gusto
me: *whispering in her ear* that means a lot of wind
It’s frankly disgusting that it’s illegal to be an accessory/accomplice. It should never be a crime to be supportive of a friend
Sorry I missed your call
I was in the 17th minute of watching my daughter help her sloth toy crawl across the room to hug me
My 3yo asked me if she could shave the window and it took me a couple minutes to figure out that she wanted to use the squeegee.
*experiencing the extremely obvious consequences of my actions*
The universe is so mysterious
Anyone who tells you to get kids to help more around the house has never asked kids to help more around the house.
The only good thing about people who wear too much cologne is that they’re easier to set on fire.
I am convinced Americans are required by law to watch football. Ain’t no way this many people watch it all day long by choice