8 asked if I had to choose between not having him or not having chocolate for a whole week what would I do and I said I couldn’t believe he’d even ask me that and then I packed a bag for him and said I’d see him in a week
You Might Also Like
Tonight was supposed to be date night but instead I’m heading to the grocery store because my wife just texted me an eggplant emoji.
I really hope it’s a typo on your resume where it says you’re “goat oriented”.
If you had asked me what the hardest part of battling a global pandemic would be I would have never guessed, “teaching elementary school math.”
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Make it worse by saying they look tired.
I’m not a 10. I’m more like two 5s held together by cheese and chocolate.
If the shoe fits, wear it. And if these shoes belong to someone else, walk away briskly.
Maps used to say cool stuff like “Here Be Dragons.” Now they just say bullshit like “Portugal.”
I’ve realized the source of all my stress and anxiety. It’s anything that comes after someone saying “Mom!”
Why stop at weighted blankets? Put a boulder on me.
If you see a kid who’s physically unusual somehow, be sure to mention it to the parents. Odds are, they’ve never noticed and will thank you.
No one ever seems to break their legs when they drop from a portal in the sky.
[coronavirus pandemic diary]
Day 3: I’ve not had sex in 6 months
boss: my secretary said you needed to see me urgently.
me confident I’ll get the raise I want because I found out his gamer tag: that’s right punished_gordon.
Me: I DON’T HAVE TO TAKE THIS FROM YOU!
Nurse: It’s customary to hold your newborn, sir
Hold on I’m about to count my money. Alright I’m done.
Returned my 3D printer, but not before making a 3D printer with it.
Not saying I’m special but kids these days never have any money behind their ears.
“You kids and your smartphones, when we were your age we just dealt with having nothing to do with our hands.”
*Lights another cigarette*
My favorite part of the date is when I tell her that I want her to have my kids. And then I give them to her, all 3 of them.
70% of being married is just wondering which of us is going to benefit from the life insurance.
[my 17 witnessing my wife and I kissing]
You guys have been married a long time, haven’t you had enough?
in a home invasion my attacker goes for a knife in the kitchen drawers but it’s jammed by the potato masher and I make my escape
*tornado takes out half of my house*
Me: (without looking up from my phone) hey guys is the internet not working for you?
Shout out to the top 5 geons in the world, dun, smid, blud, pi and neurosur.
grandmas be like imma stay for a few days and reset your children back to factory settings
Therapist: We must remove our masks and express our true selves
Yoga instructor: True
Nutritionist: So wise
Raccoon: This is bullshit, Alan
Took my daughter and her best friend to dinner and a show with endless snacks and sodas but we didn’t get ice cream afterwards so naturally this night will forever be known as “that night you didn’t get us ice cream.”
HER: It’s a gender reveal party.
ME: To tell the sex of the baby.
HER: You have to stop calling it a sex party.
All I’m saying is, if boring people to death was a real thing, I’d be a dangerous man.