Maps used to say cool stuff like “Here Be Dragons.” Now they just say bullshit like “Portugal.”
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[months ago]
Me: I wish for one episode to be so dark no one can see it, one episode to include an infamous coffee cup debacle, and the series to end with Tony Soprano sitting on the Iron Throne.
Genie: And now we wait.
Body: we’re exhausted. We’re going to fall asleep so easily.
Brain: you adorable idiot.
Zeus: And I will call it, “Pegasus”
Me: *Crossing out “Mareplane”* Oh yeah no that’s great
When you need a dentist who’s also a snake handler. That.
Carpe DM
I want to be a lighthouse keeper who doesn’t go mad but instead maintains a healthy balance between making sure the light stays lit and my friends and family understand they come first unless I have to change the lightbulb.
Me: Do we really have to share my dessert?
Her: Don’t worry, I eat like a bird.
Don’t snitch tag.
Just cleaned my room 7 months ago and it’s dirty again.. this is bullshit
Me: “You didn’t tell me that.”
Them: “Yes I did, four times while you were staring at your phone.”
Me (looks up): “I’m sorry, what?”
I don’t understand how people use plastic wrap successfully.
[Surrounded by a million deer]
Genie: You said you wanted a million bucks.
Homer: D’oh.
Piers Morgan has taken a very strong stance against guns, and who can blame him?
If you had a gun, you’d shoot him too.
BOSS: Show the new guy around.
(Hours Later)
NEW GUY: I think the boss meant around the office.
ME: *holding my model planes* You don’t like my house?
All archaeology proves is that our ancestors were skeletons and they lived underground.
I just got ripped to shreds by an extremely old man. I got on the elevator from the basement of my building and he got on too. I said “going up?” And he said “certainly. Can’t go down from here” old man I was trying to be polite why you gotta clown me like that
I’m not an expert but still waiting for the day that I will actually use x²+y+8[(x+2y² = a-z]+2x³+(-2z = 2.4)+10y-5Z³ = k= 9 in real life.
they should invent a romcom where no one has to overhear anything that leads to a huge unnecessary misunderstanding
Since he knows me best, I’m adding my bartender as a LinkedIn reference.
I want this Valentines Day to be special. Just give me a hint. Tell me what will make you happy. I’ll do anything.
*me, talking to my dogs
[Pulling brother’s life support plug]
*whispers in ear*
“This is for that time you cheated at Monopoly.”
*time travels to the 1950s*
Me: …and it’ll change the world forever. I call it the Internet
1950s person: incredible! How does it work?
Me:
Every night at I say baby do you want to snuggle and watch tiktok
He hands me the remote and goes to bed
And that’s how it’s done
Me: I need one of those thingamajigs.
Receptionist: What?
Me: You know a doohickey.
Receptionist: This is a—
Me: *snaps fingers* Ah! a triple bypass heart surgery.
If I could ask God for one thing, it would probably be power equal to or greater than his own.
15: *cleaning her glasses with the hem of her shirt* Ever wonder how nudists clean their glasses?
Me: No. *spends the rest of the night wondering how nudists clean their glasses*
*Password looks at itself in the mirror*
“Don’t listen to Google. You are a strong, confident password.”
Fortune cookie- You will have a successful TV show.
Me- How old is this cookie?!
*phone rings*
Wife: “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me (a dad): “Hello. Yes my wife is here. Hey, Not In. It’s for you.”
Wife: “….”
🚲+physics = winner