The first time I stayed at my girlfriends’ house, her dad wouldn’t let us sleep together.
Shame, he’s very attractive.
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My anxiety started in 1984 the first time I heard the music speed up in Pac-Man when shit got real and I haven’t relaxed since.
That’s easy for you to say
[3rd Date]
*To myself* ok, you really like this girl. Just play it cool, detached.
ME: I don’t even care what season we get married in.
son: I don’t think he likes me
wife: your dad just has a hard time showing affection
me: [holding bag of doritos] GOD I LOVE DORITOS
(meeting somebody for the first time and panicking)
[eats all your cotton candy]
When you haven’t shaved in a while and your leg hairs sway better in the breeze than your neighbour’s stupid windchime
Once a year on our shared birthday, my longtime ex texts me & we exchange simple wishes.
This year he added that he has overcome his longtime aversion to feta cheese, so I replied good, feta is delicious you still haunt my dreams.
we planned to renew our vows but my wife got cold feet so we are just regular married still
Started amusing myself in work meetings by adding “No pun intended” after comments I make with absolutely no pun or double meaning in them, then spend the next five minutes watching people’s faces as they are clearly trying to work out what the “pun” was
With a dog, you have a glimpse into parenting. With a cat, you have a glimpse into marriage.
When Granpa revealed an exit wound scar from WWII it gave me strength to show him the owie owie bruise I suffered closing a faulty pizza box
God created the orgasm so women can moan even when they’re happy.
I received a survey for a conference I didn’t attend, so I completed it as if I had attended and the conference had been attacked by dragons.
me: i can’t believe how much i paid for these 800 thread count sheets
insomnia: me either
Petition to change the term “Twitter Crush” to Tweetheart.
When I die I want my skeleton turned into a xylophone. Just like the good ol’ days.
I really hope my house is haunted and not in need of structural repairs
Accidentally cut down a telephone pole for firewood again
“Wish You Were Beer!”
Wait…no…that’s right…send.
“you recording!?”
He didn’t know that balancing your knife on the edge of the sink means you may make a second sandwich, so now we have some serious talking to do.
Being a mom in your 40s is putting a timer in your phone to remind yourself to be the tooth fairy.
I would date a communist girl but there are too many red flags
For every basket of laundry you put away, two more appear
Him: I missed you
Me: I missed you too
*we both reload our duelling pistols*
cop: can you step out of the car, sir?
me: [remaining in my seat] yes i CAN step out of the car ;D
cop:
me:
cop: um may you step out of the car, sir?
me: actually i might be on a teensy bit of opium so let’s revisit that first question
Don’t call me a pessimist. Call me a cynic. A cynic sounds smarter.
Me to my kids: don’t ever lie
Me serving any kind of meat: it’s chicken
[lowering myself Mission Impossible style from the ceiling and hovering over your sleeping body]
Me, whispering: So, what did you mean by “oh.” in that text message?