When you haven’t shaved in a while and your leg hairs sway better in the breeze than your neighbour’s stupid windchime
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I always hated videos of animals being shot with tranquilizer darts to trap and transport them.
Now, I’m calculating the toddler dosage.
JUDGE: I order you to pay $10,000 – do you understand?
MARIO:
JUDGE: it’s a fine
MARIO [sadly]: no itsa not
everywhere a sign. ⚠️
911: what’s your emerg-
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
911: …why would you interrupt me like that?
Speed dating?
You mean pizza delivered in less than 30 mins…
Urge is strong to leave work early on summer Fridays to avoid traffic. Most do it & become the traffic they sought to avoid.
I’m the guy at the gym laying face down on the treadmill telling everyone “I’m ok, I’m ok”
May we all have the confidence of my 9y/o who told his father after a week of playing ymca soccer…“Well, I’m pretty much 40% as good as Messi now…”
Call me when you have $50,000 and you’ll get your little girl back. Call in the next five minutes and I’ll throw in a second kid as a gift.
I’m at my sexiest when I try to run in flip flops in the rain.
My tall sister took the vodka out of the cupboards above the fridge.
I always thought those doors were just there for decoration.
Guess who’s got 7 thumbs and a a set of keys to a cadaver lab?
Used to think my house was pretty nice until I starting watching HGTV. Now I just walk around depressed about my lack of sliding barn doors & wondering if I can knock down a wall & discover pristine hardwood floors under my carpet…all before I host book club at 6:00pm tomorrow.
I met my husband on eHarmony, which is Tinder for back when the smartest things our phone could do was make you pay $2 to play an actual song as your ringtone
I heard a mouse yesterday. So now I loudly announce myself whenever I enter a dark room. In case you’re wondering how brave I am
Not to brag but I read the instructions before I did something today. I didn’t follow them, but still.
when people look at tattoos, body modifications, hair colors or styles, and are like “do you know how awful that will look like when you’re 90” as though we all would look amazing at 90 anyway
Watching movies with kids:
If he/she hasn’t seen it, eons and billions of questions.
If he/she has seen it, eons and billions of spoilers.
Trains should still have a caboose, if you stop to watch it go by you should be rewarded with a good ending
Me: I’m going to eat healthier.
My 25 y.o. son: I don’t understand why, but okay.
it was very chilly during our walk today. when i tried to hop in a puddle. i slid across it instead. i am not a penguin. i would like a refund
my gf left me cuz i’m insecure
never mind she’s back she went pee
I wear black because it’s slimming. Exercise is also slimming, but like I said, I wear black.
Him: You’re perfect
Me: Nooooo
Him: Ok, close
Me: Wait what’s wrong with me?
13: Mom, you look younger every day.
M: What do you want?
13: A new skateboard.
M: How young?
13: 29
M: Done.
I love that sexy thing you do, what’s it called again? Oh yeah, me.
Instead of mistletoe, I should hang up green citrus fruits.
..so when I stand under them, I’ll feel sublime.
I’m so sick and tired of my friends who can’t handle their alcohol. The other night they dropped me three time while carrying me to the car.
Narcissist: I am God!
Nietzsche: I have some bad news for you.