@Erin1137

When you haven’t shaved in a while and your leg hairs sway better in the breeze than your neighbour’s stupid windchime

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@noog

Me: It actually takes light around 8 minutes to travel from the Sun to Earth.

Her: Umm light is instant. Everyone knows that.

Me: Go home.

@sensual_dad

Coworker said ‘nice pink shirt, when did you come out?’ I said ‘IT’S NOT PINK IT’S SALMON!’. Then I snapped my fingers and skipped away.

@Reverend_Scott

DOCTOR: Push again, the baby is-

MOTHER: IS SOMETHING WRONG?

DOCTOR: [holding phone] No, I just caught a Jigglypuff up in there.

@slooberbie

One of my wishes in life is to run across the Pacific Ocean in an air tight giant hamster ball.

@permawedgie

Job interview

HR: What’s your best asset?
Me: I have an excellent memory.
HR: Give me an example.
Me: Of what?

@SufficientCharm

I have really bad hearing & thought he said “I love turds” but he said “nerds” & now I don’t know what to do with this shit in my underwear.

@PhriendlyCody

me: she had wide eyes and red hair,

police sketch artist: *drawing*

me: like elmo

artist: *stops drawing*

me: she had an amazing laugh, and loved to be tickled

artist: *drawing*

me: like elmo

artist: *stops drawing*

@Darlainky

My lunch consisted of taste-testing 30 opened bags of chips in the pantry for freshness.