I wear black because it’s slimming. Exercise is also slimming, but like I said, I wear black.
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I baked cookies in an EZ Bake oven when I was eleven and now they’re ready.
They’re called werewolves.
So, I got banned from the toy store today…
The Internet lets the world instantly know my thought but…they can’t make a microwave that I can put metal in.
Someone isn’t trying.
[Party]
Me: so I went to the corner shop…and bought 4 corners hahahaColonel Mustard *jumps up* can you join me in the study?
Me: Yeah why?
Colonel Mustard *picking up candlestick* just come now
I hate it when I’m naked and all lathered up with soap and then run out of quarters at the car wash.
My kids told me to stop using teen lingo because I’m “SO old”, so I’m going to show them just how old I am and start talking Valley Girl.
*goes to church
I need all this water turned into wine. Thanks.
Sieved flour to rule them all
A pinch of salt to grind them
Cup of milk, then mix them all
add an egg to bind them-Lord of the Onion Rings
*gets down on one knee*
LOIS LANE: here i got you these contacts so you don’t have to wear glasses anymore
CLARK KENT: *nervous sweating*
Today I’m grateful that I fit through my doggie door and that my bulldog didn’t bite my face off as I was making my way through
WIFE: You promised not to spend the lottery winnings on something stupid
ME: *climbing off my new elephant* He has a name, Karen
There are actually only two stages of parenthood: having children, and having children who can reach things on countertops.
Apple will start making Macs in America. In related news, Macs will now cost 3 billion dollars. #SOTU
In case of an emergency, eat fried chicken.
[sex]
GF: u bring protection?
ME: ya [i show a gun]
GF: not what I meant
ME: I kno, I have a fox guarding us. The gun is for if it wigs out
People who say the Napster guy invented music piracy forget the time I stole my sister’s Violent Femmes CD when I was 13.
DM:You’re so hot, wanna Skype?
Me: it is quite hot, and a skype sounds delicious. Is that vodka?
DM:
ME:hello…you there
No Auto-correct, I never meant “Relationship Goats”.
It’s cute how airlines think I know my flight number
Remember back when we knew the 7- or 10-digit phone numbers for ALL our friends and family. Now the only phone number I know is 911.
The ladies call me Space Mountain…
…cause I’m a 5 hour wait and a 3 minute ride.
Wooooohhhhooooo!!!
Contemplating the merits of the Oxford comma as I head down to Florida to see my parents, Donald Trump and Marco Rubio
Sand doesn’t even taste bad it’s just the texture
[traffic jam]
MAN: [rolls down window] Dude, why?
ME: [in the next car holding a rabbit as it repeatedly kicks the horn] It’s his birthday
If I was a pug, nobody would give me funny looks for slobbering in public or eating food off the floor.
When you’re in the shower, and you hear loud thumps and you think
“THEY’RE KILLING MY FAMILY, AND I’LL HAVE TO FIGHT THE ATTACKER NAKED”
I had to deal with the most impatient and rudest cashier.
I’m never using self-checkout again.
If I ever spend over $300 on shoes, they better have some James Bond shit in them.