WIFE: You promised not to spend the lottery winnings on something stupid
ME: *climbing off my new elephant* He has a name, Karen
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i don’t know who needs to hear this but you can totally just buy an ink stamp that says CLASSIFIED and stamp it on whatever you want
PSYCHOLOGIST: [holding up inkblot] wat do u see
ME: a outdated discredited method with no scientific backing
PSYCHOLOGIST: [starts sweating]
*aliens come to earth to steal our water*
[cut to]
*aliens running out of store with like fifteen evian bottles they didn’t pay for*
Two submissives sitting in a tree.
N O T H I N G
You know you’ve leveled up after quarantine when your kid’s friends hear your fire alarm blaring through their headsets and say, “it’s ok, his mom’s just making dinner.”
No pants were worn during the making of this tweet.
who’s ready for the long weeknd?
To keep yourself healthy you should get 8 hours of sleep a day.
To keep the planet healthy you should get 24.
Put all your neighbors names on your Halloween tombstones in your front yard and wink when you’re outside and they walk by.
Even Benjamin Button would feel old by the time 2020 finally ends.
It’s said that it takes 43 muscles to frown, but only 17 to smile which is why my face is ripped as hell
My save for later cart on Amazon is up to about $1.3 million dollars.
english majors be like furthermore
Don’t worry, my tweet. Not all tweets can be winners… Daddy loves you just as much.
The airport called it a “moving walkway” but I felt zero emotions whatsoever.
She can’t leave if you’re wearing all of her clothes.
Dating profile at 26: I’m cute and interesting and funny and I will find everything you say super interesting. Let’s get married.
46:
I like what I like. I’m not growing my hair long just so you can pet it. I have one cankle, and I bloat after eating. Hit me up.
if you are a fly, please ignore this tweet
Jeff Bezos inches closer to becoming Pitbull
Every surgery is exploratory if you have no idea what you’re doing
Me: this meeting could’ve been an email.
Also me: (gets an email) Goddammit.
Nothing makes sex more awkward than realizing your kid is awake…
and standing outside your door…
and playing the harmonica.
The Tooth Fairy plants all of those teeth as evidence
*lights a joint*
Woah, fire! Ow! My elbow!
Truth. 😆😭😮💨
This is the angriest post I’ve seen on Twitter in a long time.
I said something about March 31st and my husband said, “Honey, there aren’t 31 days in March.”
Friends, with the most-bro-is-always-right smirk, he pulled his phone out to fact check my ass and then said, “Ha Ha Just Kidding! You know I was kidding right? It was a joke.”
Vowels were invented by old men trying to take their socks off
Human babies are 75% water at birth, a slightly higher water content than bananas and slightly less than fresh potatoes.
I laughed and my gum shot out of my mouth, but I caught it with my hand and my lightning reflexes, so….be a cooler idiot