My save for later cart on Amazon is up to about $1.3 million dollars.
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11yo: Dad, were doing a pretend show and you need to interview us
Me: Ok…
8yo: But none of the questions can be “What is your name?” “What is your quest?” or “What is your favorite color?”
Me:
8yo:
11yo:
Me: interviewees don’t get to pick the questions…
Vin Diesel’s real first name is Vehicle Identification Number.
Which is your favorite Duran? Duran or Duran?
I sleep with a water gun near my bed, in case of cat burglar.
“Hey dad”
Liam Neeson: OMG WERE U-
“Just called to say hi”
Neeson: [Gutted] Oh. Thanks. Well give me a call if-
“If I get taken, yes I know”
Toddlers can actually be very generous despite their reputation. Sometimes they’ll even offer you the food from out of their own mouth.
No matter how hard I try, I just never seem to run out of bad ideas.
I live by 2 simple rules:
1. Don’t treat people like shit.
2. If any melted cheese gets on your paper plate, you must also eat the plate.
One day an iPhone is going to explode, and Android people are going to be like, “Samsung has had this feature for years”.
[Prison]
ME: Just don’t mention anything about breaking free & they won’t suspect a thing*guard enters*
FREDDIE MERCURY *clears throat*
The bigger issue about the Hobby Lobby decision is the fact that people working in a craft store are getting laid more than I am.
Was enjoying playing legos with my son until my wife tapped me on the shoulder and said he went outside an hour ago.
My kid once went into day care and told them that she’d been watching ‘the nudey nudey boy’ on tv
Jungle book…she meant jungle book
📂 ACME
└📁 Traps
└📁Elaborate traps
└📁 Roadrunner traps
└📁Elaborate roadrunner traps that work
└⚠️ This folder is empty
MY NECK. MY BACK. MY PJ’S AND MY SNACK.
obliviously driving m y car through chernobyl , absorbing lethal anmounts of radiation while looking for cute girls
technically you’re not on fire, the fire is on you. but yes i’ll get some water
My neighbor just walked by carrying some pots for planting & I said “Looks like you won the pottery lottery!” Now everyone is mad at me.
Adoption Agency: it takes a village to raise a child
Hamlet: feels discriminatory but ok
MyFitnessPal told me my beer has a lot of vitamin C so I guess I can begin my descent into full blown alcoholism.
My wife’s upset at me I’m going to cheer her up and ask 9YO to play hot cross buns on the recorder
My neighbors got so weird when I asked how many bodies they thought were buried in their yard. I meant roughly, not like an exact number.
[Skype]
ME: Finally I see your face and wow.
HIM: [naked] Where are you?!
ME: Starbucks. Wanna meet a few friends? They like your tweets.
Me: I’m so over him
Vodka: No you’re not, you should text him
Me: Really?
Vodka: Yes! 25 times
*in the basement organizing LEGO by color and size*
My child: Can I help?
Me: *straight up hissing noises*
*mom puts a gummy vitamin in my mouth while I yawn*
Mom, I’m 36. *chews it up, swallows* Adults are supposed to have 2 though.
It’s not cheating. Or money issues. Leaving drawers and cabinets open is the true test of a marriage.
This guy is choking on the last hotdog I wanted so I’m just going to let him die.
[catching breath at friends house]
I was being chased by a bike cop so I threw up a left turn signal but actually turned right and it worked
The Rock missed a huge opportunity not naming his daughter “Pebbles.”