‘You have a PhD!’ I whisper encouragingly to myself as I creep, terrified, towards the spider [I don’t, but the spider doesn’t know this]
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Check out @funTweeters. Laughing until I was crying!
ME: [wearing donuts as glasses] did u just call me immature
WIFE: yes
ME: [removes donuts & tries to clean with shirt] your moms immature
My psychiatrist and I had a major breakthrough.
Now he can hear the voices too.
Crested mynas, as many other birds, are born altricially, which means young are underdeveloped at the time of birth, therefore fed by parents. When they grow up, they have to learn that food doesn’t simply jump into their beaks [📽️: Rebecca Gelernter]
My son is suspended?
Yes, in-school suspension.
So he goes to school?
Yes, but he’s suspended.
Suspended IN THE SCHOOL?
Yes.
Idiot.
3: mommy! Come look, I made a water fall
Me: oh dear god
They should get rid of red light cameras and replace them with big walls that pop up at the intersection that you slam into if you run the light
Goodnight room
Goodnight moon
Goodnight neighbor’s Christmas lights that’ll stay up til June
Heroic Misunderstanding
5 years ago my dad texted me “i dreamed up the title of a poem last night” and i said “what was the title” and he said “Thoughts Upon Receiving Notice The Frogs Had Cast Off Their Green Skins and Revealed Their True Glorious Selves” and i have thought of that every day since.
Out of embarrassment, I just told a train passenger I’m crying cos my bf dumped me. Real reason is I’m listening to the Lion King soundtrack
I just clipped my little toe on patio furniture. Prayers needed for my husband who rearranged everything without telling me.
Owl: Pretty cool having an owl drive your Uber, huh?
Me: Please face the front
Me: I made a perfect napping spot just for you
My cat: no thank you, I would rather be uncomfortable than do anything you suggest
I hate when I’m waiting for the elevator and someone else casually walks up and presses the button to open the elevator door.
11-year-old: We had a standardized test all morning.
Me: What was it testing?
11: My patience.
Odds I accidentally turn off a room’s lights when controlling house lights from my phone:
Any room my wife is not in – 1%
Any room my wife is in – 92%
My life coach: So what would you like to see happen this year?
Me: Kangaroos being allowed to fight in the UFC
Life coach: I will literally pay you to not come here anymore.
I don’t get upset when autocorrect screws me because it’s the most action I’ve seen in years.
I just asked my friend to come over and “play husband”. He’s gonna be pissed when he finds out we are putting together shelves from ikea.
My 3yr old lost her mind because I apparently hurt her doll’s feelings. I swear I’ve been nothing but polite to that doll but now it’s on.
Spent the day helping out on my son’s Kindergarten field trip.
Teachers should make a minimum of $6 million per year.
A kiddie pool with a carrot floating in it would look odd to you and me but to a snowman it would be horrifying.
I hate the number 7 like “ohh look at me I’m all prime and lucky ohhhh”. You’re just a wonky 1, grow up already
Why do bad things happen to good people? To even out the good things that happen to bad people.
POV: Your company’s HR director is about to fire you on a Zoom call
Are we done? Can we go?
-A memoir.
ME: *walking through the park, minding my own business, carrying a small baggie full of poop*
YOU: Where’s your dog?
ME: Why do people keep asking me that?!
when all of your friends are at a bar that doesn’t allow you inside because one time you brought a sword in there
*at the red lobster*
me: i will have the red lobster
waiter: okay