POV: Your company’s HR director is about to fire you on a Zoom call
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ME: My dog’s so happy I’m working from home.
DOG (to camera): Honestly, a heads up would have been nice. I had shit planned today.
Changed my outgoing voicemail message to “You have reached the government.”
Me: *dressed as a dragon*
Wife: I meant SEXUAL fantasy
Me: *handing her a donkey outfit* ya
Guy sitting next to me on the plane is also scrolling twitter. Trying to scope out his @ so I can DM to ask if I can put my head on his shoulder for a nap.
Jay said his mother is a lesbian and came out in support of her same-sex relationship. Rap really has grown up
My fella asked me to name all my sexual partners. I took a couple of minutes to list them and eventually got to him. Should of stopped there
[Planning Rustic Vacation]
Me: Should we rent a cabin or a cottage?
Her: What’s the difference?
M: Well, cottages are usually home to witches who eat children; cabins usually contain partying teens who get murdered by a psychopath.
H: I meant in price.
And then one day we decided we were tired of sleeping in and doing whatever we wanted whenever we wanted in a clean house, and we had kids.
I bet Dog heaven and Squirrel hell are the same place
Judging by the way my kids raced to see who could chug their chocolate milk the fastest at the dinner table, I’d have to say they are never, ever going to be allowed at a keg party.
You can’t intimidate me; you’re not a hairbrush.
“Full House fans have found a 1993 episode of the show called “Be True To Your Preschool”. In it, Loughlin’s Aunt Becky stops Uncle Jesse (John Stamos) from lying to get their toddler twins into an ‘elite preschool'”
AAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHA
Welcome to your 40s, you now respond to every younger person telling you their age with “Jesus Christ”.
Lets all agree,
having your cake and eating it too,
is the same damn thing.
JOHN LENNON: He wear no shoeshine, he got…toe-jam football, he got…monkey finger, he shoot…Coca-Cola
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: what
Me: smells good, what’s cooking?
Wife: bacon
Me: *rolls eyes* wHat’s BaKiNg
There was a time I thought Radiohead was saying “I’m a creep, I’m a widow” and one day I heard someone sing the right word and well, only a freakin’ weirdo would think widow makes sense there, right.
“one time, I saw a wino eating grapes. I was like, dude, you have to wait”
You have this moment of realization that you have zero survival skills. If you’re like me, you do nothing with this information.
Safe sex is stupid. Safes can’t get pregnant.
me: *knocking* hello is anyone home
mcdonalds employee: we told u last week u dont have to knock
me: oh good ur home can i have one mcfood
I don’t want to intimidate anyone but I did my laundry and took the clothes out of the dryer on the first try.
*tying a ton of balloons to my neighbor’s dog* Good boy, Oliver, now take your incessant barking to the sky
You vacation in America but you refuse to tip? Well what if I came to France but refused to genuflect before the town cheese wheel?
People: we are overfishing the sea
McDonalds: we’ll make the Filet o Fish smaller
People: nonononono
Dude is texting with a flip phone, just like George Washington did
My husband picks fights with me like he doesn’t even value half of all his assets.
All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.
Husband: Can you ever be serious?
Me *using candy corn as fangs* Yeth.