Me: *dressed as a dragon*
Wife: I meant SEXUAL fantasy
Me: *handing her a donkey outfit* ya
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Me: *playing Russian roulette* you first
Him: this is an automatic
Me: my house my rules
I don’t have a date for Valentine’s Day so I’ll probably end up going out with the wife
Mary: oh no my period is late
Joseph: oh no how late
Mary: I dunno, what’s the date
Joseph: hmm according to the calendar it’s 9 months BC
Mary: 9 months what now
Me: I hope you don’t mind if I nibble during sex.
Her: Not at all!
Me: Great!
*Pulls out grilled cheese sandwich*
thug: empty your pockets
me: (bursts into tears) women’s clothing doesn’t have pockets!
thug: I’m sorry for upsetting you. Here’s $30
me (sniffing): and where exactly am I supposed to put that?
Why aren’t there new pasta shapes? We should be treating pasta shapes like iPhones, there should be a keynote every year.
We’ve come full circle
I WISH MY PETS WOULD STOP ACCIDENTALLY INJURING ME WITH THEIR KNIFE HANDS
I bet nobody noticed Superman flying around at first, so Clark just started pointing out every bird and plane until it caught on
I have 2 speeds- the slow southern girl sashay and the is that the ice cream truck outside?
me:
my cat: i think we can all agree that it’s time for me to scream
[At the first thanksgiving]
Pilgrims: Im thankful for the land you gave us
Natives: we didnt give you land?
Pilgrims: *winks at the camera*
her: my therapist keeps canceling appointments to go on vacation to who knows where
me: [under breath] whereapist
Some of you wonder how I’m still married, pfft you should wonder how I got married in the first place.
Dear lady arguing w/ the clerk over whether or not it is “good” champagne: YOU ARE IN A GAS STATION!
I’m going to start a Metal band and only sing about things that make me rage, like when a spatula gets stuck in a drawer and I can’t open it
British people be like “gotta bring the car to the mechanic for a chune-up”
My Dr. told me about a new med he wanted me to try and offered that there are some sexual side effects to which I replied “yeah I don’t do that!” instead of nodding quietly like a normal human.
Of all the things I’m not allowed to use, I guess it’s the chainsaw that hurts the most.
Recommendations needed. My 12 year old hasn’t had a phone for long but he’s somehow managed to smash the screen. Can anyone recommend a reputable place that will replace 12 year olds?
My boss: make sure you clear out your emails before going on vacation.
Me: *select all, delete*
*dancing with the stars*
*all of a sudden there’s a fault in our stars*
me(to stars): what the hell guys? we practiced this!
*star wars*
ME [8:49PM]: on my way, taking a crab
GF [8:50PM]: u mean a cab
ME [8:52PM]: not exactly. be there in several days
once i realized that sugar is from cane and is clearly a vegetable, the diet really came together on its own
You can always win an argument if you set them on fire.
judge: please, rephrase the question
yoda lawyer:
In the United States, plastic flamingos outnumber the real ones.
Another case where fake ones have a leg up.
When I count my blessings, I count you twice, subtract 4, multiply by 8, and divide by 15 because I don’t know how math or blessings work.
good news and bad news. bad news is the dog pissed on the bed
“we don’t have a dog”
*smiles getting ready to deliver the good news*
Don’t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.