Recommendations needed. My 12 year old hasn’t had a phone for long but he’s somehow managed to smash the screen. Can anyone recommend a reputable place that will replace 12 year olds?
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Friend: I’m about to appear in court.
Me: Best of luck! Kill it!!
Friend:…not exactly the best phrase to use in a medical negligence case.
Social butterfly? Nah.
I’m more like a social Sasquatch. Some people swear they’ve seen me, but no one really believes them.
*trains 1 million soldier ants*
*gets carried to work*
*puts on strapless bra
*takes an extra Prozac
“Can I go play w/ my Twitter friends?”
Wife: “Are the kids in bed & the dishwasher emptied?”
“…Yes”
*wife opens cabinet, kids fall out*
before therapy: i hate people
after therapy: i feel good about hating people!
I once dated a guy who left a trail of rose petals leading to a sinkful of dirty dishes.
I went to high school with these people on Facebook, so I’m confused on how they didn’t learn HOW TO SPELL.
When you meet your one true soulmate, you just know. I knew it immediately with my first three.
Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle online with a 14 year old boy.
Whoever invented the carpet sweeper probably died laughing.
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
My gf and I broke up and are moving into a 2 bedroom so that we can have our own separate spaces but still continue a domestic partnership which I thought was incredibly progressive but is actually exactly what my catholic aunt and uncle who refuse to get divorced are doing.
I’m sick and tired of people telling me to turn off my lights to save the environment. I tried it once and I hit a cyclist.
I just yelled at some kids to get off my lawn. They were my own kids, but they can find somewhere else to play like everybody else.
one time i matched with a girl on a dating app and her bio said “the first date better be outdoors” so i asked if she wanted to go for a hike and she was like “i meant more like, patio drinks”
I used to be happily married…but then we went furniture shopping together.
Ok I’ll bite, what is elon musk
Russel Crowe is my favorite actor named after a misspelled bird but Ethan Hawke is a close second
Iron Man: *eats chips*
Ant Man: *eats microchips*
*helps wife get toddler in his high chair*
wife: That’s a new shirt, let’s put a bib on you
me [wearing a bib] This is ridiculous
I get all my indisputable political facts from what my uncle Harold posts on Facebook. Like did u know Obama killed the last living unicorn?
“Excuse me, waiter? Can I get a doggy bag”
“Sorry ma’am, we only have Doge bags.”
Much leftovers
So pasta
Very taking home
Wow reheat at 350
I don’t know who needs to hear this but by September you should already have your letter to Santa drafted.
When you’ve aged 15 years since 2020 and they still tell you that you’re cute
Couldn’t look worse today.
Time to run into an ex…
Wife: our daughter can’t find her physics book.
Me: just tell her to use the force lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you took it so you could make a Star Wars joke didn’t you?
Me: I find your lack of faith disturbing.
I’m a pediatrician.
Oh, so you’re into feet?
Uh no…children.
Isn’t that illegal?
Listen here weather report, don’t tell me 1” hail.
You tell me Oreo size hail so I can understand.
police bust open my trunk. it’s full of potatoes. i’ve done nothing wrong.