once i realized that sugar is from cane and is clearly a vegetable, the diet really came together on its own
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Podcasts are like babies, they’re too easy to create and not everyone should have one
ME: The kids have ruined their shoes
WIFE: Again? [sighs] Just throw them out[Later]
ME: Stop crying kids, your mum says you have to leave
ME: Hi. I’m in the gym parking lot.
HUSBAND: That’s great! Are you finally working out?
ME: No. My car broke down. Can you come pick me up? This place is really scary.
ONLY text me in an emergency. Like my car’s shooting flames from the trunk, one of my exes dies eventfully, or if someone thinks I’m sexy.
I think this should do it.
i once saw a pigeon on the subway & it got off at the financial district & all i could think was “cool. that bird makes more money than me”
do you like vampires?
🟩 Nosferatu
✅ Yesferatu
help! watched my son get a mullet, and now I can’t stop singing Achy Breaky Heart.
Please keep my 6 year old in your prayers, his sister is copying him.
NOT NOW MOM I’M ASKING MEN ON THE INTERNET WHAT IT’S LIKE TO BE INSUFFERABLE
kidnapper: we have your son
dad: his fault for staying out all night
kidnapper: we took him from his bedroom
dad: well he probably wasn’t in bed like he shoulda been
kidnapper: he was
dad: on his phone probably
kidnapper: fast asleep
dad: i guarantee you he was faking it
[at the bank] hi I would like to deposit these tacos. oh and *drops a fistful of hot sauce packets on the counter* these too, thanks
COMCAST: have you considered getting with the world’s number one selling broadband?
ME: [thinking he meant the Spice Girls] ..all the time.
They didn’t leave much room for new models when they called it the ‘ULTRA-Sound’. “Mr Sutherland, I’ll book you in for a Sonic-Boom”
Oh boy, $150,000!
Him: I like meatier girls.
Me: I killed the dinosaurs.
Him: What?
Me: What?
Board Member: Sir are you sure you wanna name your new burger restaurant after the time you caught your ex-wife cheating on you?
Five Guys CEO: you heard me
The court system could save a lot of money on psychological exams by reading Facebook posts to determine if a person is crazy.
Sick and tired of my bank account taking a hit whenever I buy stuff.
He’s mysterious like the fish in gas station sushi
them: how are you
you: [desperately aware that herds are necessary for survival] normal
Care for your back
My husband started cooking right after I had cleaned the whole kitchen so he’s basically asking for a divorce.
Work said I was going to do a drug test today. So far I haven’t tested any drugs, but this weird guy asked me to urinate in a cup.
Her: I want to have your babies.
Me: You’ll have to wait until they get off from school.
Son: Do you know what type of tea the British Army serves?
Me: No, what?
Son: Camo meal
*we tearfully embrace*
Wife: JFC
I’m starting to think the guy offering to check for lumps inside his van was not as legit as his cardboard certificate claimed.
Autocorrect changed car battery to car buttery and it slipped out of my fingers and caused an accident on I-25.
I was brought up in the wild by hyenas.
Times were hard, food was scarce but we had some great laughs.
Wow… the headline was intriguing, but the payoff was beyond my wildest expectations