ME [yelling down into a volcano]: You shut your stupid Earth mouth
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rich people when they have to pay taxes
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WOMAN: have u ever wondered what would happen if a car alarm could swim?
NARRATOR: geese
The “Beware of Cat” sign posted outside my house doesn’t seem to be having the desired affect.
Either Mercury is in retrograde or I made a series of poor choices that have since born fruit, but who can argue with the planets?
You can’t offend me I have teenagers.
I wanna see a video where professional dancers break out into nursing.
Hey boy, are you a pepper? Because you give me indigestion but I still want to get jalapeño business.
ME: How do you spell ‘inferno’?
BOSS: What?
ME: I’m writing an email
BOSS: Oh my god, the building is on fire!!
ME: Yeah, that’s probably a better way of wording it
Twitter is like:
funny joke
funny joke
funny joke
HORRIFIC IMAGE YOU CAN NEVER UNSEE
funny joke
funny joke
angry guy who didn’t get the joke
It’s so annoying when they tell you to reset the modem like, do you think I would call you if I knew which one was the modem?
I forgot the word for donut so I said cop bagel
I’m exceptionally skilled at accomplishing absolutely nothing while screwing something up, therefore accomplishing less than zilch.
I can’t stand lactose intolerant people who work at ice cream parlors. They can dish it out but they can’t take it.
A harried Japanese guy is ushering me to the starting blocks of the 400 meter sprint. Please help i dont want this. I am not fast
Welcome to backhanded compliment club, it’s so nice meeting people who don’t care how they look
[first day as a beekeeper] my pockets really hurt
How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it. I’m serious. That Israeli how he does it.
what if our teeth screamed obscenities at us every time we brushed them?
Lying dead in a closed coffin at my funeral, and yet somehow I still manage to spill mustard on my shirt.
My mum tells me that she turns the internet off when she goes to bed, incase you’re wondering why your screen just went blank.
The best way to watch the MTV Music Video Awards is to turn on the TV and turn the channel to MTV and then go outside and set your house on fire.
You won’t find his name in the history books, but my dad piloted many of NASA’s early experimental cafeteria test salad programs—a number of which introduced some pretty radical salad-propulsion designs for the time.
One day my neighbors will tell a news crew, “She was nice except she barked for an hour every night at midnight.”
If someone tried to make me dig my own grave I would say no. They’re going to kill me anyway and I’d love to die the way I lived: avoiding manual labor.
Hey weekend,
I love you more than you know!
I know I don’t deserve you, but trust me if you stay, I will spend all my procrastination on you to keep lying in my bed.
Love,
Your unconditional lover
“We had unprotected sex. Give us a present.” — the subtext of every baby shower
I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.
*pops stick of Juicy Fruit in mouth*
“Mmm, this is delic…shit, the flavor’s gone.”
OPEN UP. THIS IS THE POLICE. THANK YOU. CAN WE USE YOUR BATHROOM
I hope that the missing puzzle piece my 5 year old has been searching the house for has nothing to do with my 2 year old’s burp.