How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it. I’m serious. That Israeli how he does it.
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Friend: oh my god there’s two of you
My evil clone: I’m the real one, I swear
Me: [remembering I promised I’d go out and socialise tonight] yea she’s right
me: Why is Spider Man in the freezer?
7 year old: He knows why
Man: You’ve been very loyal but it’s best we part ways
Dog: I don’t understand. What’s the problem?
Man: Your talking kinda freaks me out.
[At home school reunion]
“And Sasha bought a new cat, her name is Mittens.”
“Mom I know, you told me yesterday.”
Superman: Bruce.
Batman: …
Superman: Bruce.
Batman: *sits up in bed* Clark, you have x-ray vision. You know there’s no monster in the closet
I always keep a gun in my pocket so people won’t think I’m happy to see them.
My 10 yo is talking to me past 9 pm. Why is he attacking me like this?
Five second rule? Pfft. What’s the point of having an immune system if you’re not going to use it?
JESUS: [picks up bread] this is my body
JESUS: [picks up wine] this is my blood
JESUS: [accidentally picks up his cat] this is my…cat
I bought a dog so I wouldn’t feel creepy picking up poop off the sidewalk
[Chris Hemsworth posts 85 videos of him working out hard, eating right, and looking amazing]
Me: must be good genetics
A model train set is the male equivalent of 25 cats.
But it’s not the “worst way” either…
my physical therapist told me I should be using a foam roller “or a wine bottle, since I know you have one of those at home”
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
Me: If I was The Invisible Man, my pronouns would be who/where
This is me
Friend: Sorry. Are you annoyed?
Me: *chainsaw noises*
I cannot afford to get my wife a new Lexus for Christmas so I’ll be tying a red ribbon on a pair of Sketchers and setting them in the driveway.
One of my co-workers just called the elevator a “vator”. Anyways, long story short, this is my one phone call…
When I die, please don’t blame the year. Blame the alligator responsible.
cant wait for y’all to be released from the shackles of birthday dinners
My birth certificate is far and away my most impressive swimming certificate.
Definition of awkward: USPS, UPS, and FedEx making online shopping deliveries all at the same time.. just as my husband pulls in the driveway.
God I hate condescending assholes!
(Condescending is like when smart people talk down to you to try and make you feel stupid)
My dog doesn’t wear a collar, he wears one of those big gold chains that major league baseball players wear.
Not everyone understands my laundry method. It’s simple. If it’s clean, it’s on the floor. If it’s dirty, it’s on the floor over there.
yelling “you’re not my real dad” is a faux pas
The eighties were great except for all the spinning right ‘round like a record.
Ghost a one-night stand by dying in their apartment.
Neil Patrick Harris couldn’t host a tapeworm without a musical number. #Emmys