[At home school reunion]
“And Sasha bought a new cat, her name is Mittens.”
“Mom I know, you told me yesterday.”
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I had eaten two bowls of Meow Mix before realizing I haven’t been getting much sleep lately.
H: So what’s the worst thing you’ve ever seen someone do?
Me: I watched a mother buy her son a harmonica.
Me: I want a raise
Boss: ok and why do you think you deserve a raise?
Me: that’s not what I said
I feel so alive when I watch an object fall and shatter into hundreds of pieces. Not alive enough to clean up the mess though.
PEOPLE OF METROPOLIS: Is it a bird? Is it a plane?
SUPERMAN: These people don’t need a hero. They need a functional education system.
me: i’m late
boss: again?
me: it’s yours
Shopping with my 12 y/o daughter and she said she was done with the Christmas music at the stores already.
“You don’t trick-or-treat a week after Halloween. Time to move on, people.”
If my wife takes any longer to get ready to go out, she’ll need to go and shave her legs again!!
Make group hugs awkward by taking off your pants.
If you’re feeling jealous because someone you know is posting photos of an amazing vacation that you could never afford, remember this: Now is an excellent time to break into their home and steal stuff.
I just accidentally uploaded this instead of my invoice on a company’s invoicing portal and I can’t delete it
Doctor: Loss of smell is a symptom of covid
Me, a parent of a teen boy: Oh oh where can I get covid
[lightbulb store]
owner: “what watt can i get you?”
me:
owner:
me:
owner: “did i stutter?”
me: “i dont know”
I̶t̶’̶s̶ ̶t̶o̶o̶ ̶e̶a̶r̶l̶y̶ ̶t̶o̶ start drinking
My kid: “I want the new iPad like my friends, everyone has them”
Me: “And I want to vacation in Hawaii..disappointing day all around huh?”
Go to a fancy restaurant. Order the lobster. Order it alive. When it comes, order food for your new pet lobster. Then take lobster home.
Blackberry just announced a new CEO, but the most newsworthy part of this story is that Blackberry still exists.
Throwing pregnancy tests into the shopping carts of random couples at Walmart is the only silver lining in my day.
If I die at the gym, please add more weights before calling emergency services
QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: Well, my brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we drifted apart, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.
A guy on TV opened a bag of chips and my dog came running into the living room thinking it was me so now she’s playing with a ball she found and is acting like that’s what she wanted all along
Apologies to my husband for the things I muttered about him when I thought he’d finished my chocolate
soldier: is that a picture of your love?
me: *folding a Subway coupon back into my wallet* yeah
My six year old just hissed at me. I’m either doing this parenting thing right, or horribly, horribly wrong.
A dog needs to be the next president.
“A dog can’t-”
When has a dog ever raised taxes or started a war?
“I’ll start the paperwork.”
To me the most romantic part about having a crush on someone is when instead of just telling them, your anxiety just makes you act increasingly more unhinged in conversation until you both hate you 🥰🥰🥰
me: who are some of your favourite postmen? who inspires your craft? postman: please take your fingers out of the slot. i can’t put the letters in
“And then she kissed the frog and saw him turn into a prince, because kissing frogs makes you hallucinate.”
-me as a babysitter
I have eaten all the Halloween candy, so this year trick or treaters are getting Taco Bell’s hot sauce packets
[my son threatens to run away after I take away his iPad]
“Here $60. It’s all I have. Call if you need more.”