soldier: is that a picture of your love?
me: *folding a Subway coupon back into my wallet* yeah
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me: [on phone] I need a doctor’s appointment
receptionist: it’s going to be at least a month
me: ok I’ll hold
I swallowed a Ice Cube and I haven’t pooped it out yet, I’m really scared you guys.
[at an indian restaurant]
me: they’re well known for their gooey naan.
her: what’s gooey naan?
me: nothing much what’s goin’ on with you?
Telling my wife I’m taking her someplace fancy is my way of getting 4 hours to myself while she gets ready.
In my defense, they never told me I couldn’t tattoo their baby when I got the babysitter job.
I feel like I’m getting dumber. Like, my memory sucks, and I feel like I’m using half my brain. So I googled it, and it sounds like “brain fog.” There are simple steps to help relieve it. Diet, exercise, plenty of sleep. So what I’m saying is, I’m probably gonna get dumber.
God: Hmm now where did I leave that fish? It couldn’t possibly have grown legs and walked away
Darwin: lol ur not gonna believe this
if you prick your finger by accident and suck on it, you become your own blood brother & you have to take care of yourself no matter what
I stood on the scale with one leg in the air and still weighed the same wtf.
Atheist: I can’t believe it’s not butter
Theist: I can believe it
Agnostic: Just eat the toast
[first day as a soldier]
Army guy: we deploy at 04:00hrs
Me: where we going?
Army guy: to war, soldier
Me [setting alarm for 10am]: enjoy
Anesthesiologists are doctors who don’t like having to talk to people.
Everybody’s big on freedom until they find you passed out naked on their boat
If these seasonal allergies don’t kill me, that person I just sneezed all over probably will.
“I’m halving a baby!” – King Solomon
Don’t ever sing Three Times a Lady to a woman that’s gained 20 pounds.
My husband knows this now.
I didn’t want to grow up; I just wanted to be able to reach for the cookies.
My Medical Emergency Contact is a girl from college who promised she’d pluck any stray hairs off my face if I slipped into a coma.
I never believed in hypnosis until I spent six straight hours staring at the bakery’s rotating pie display case.
Them: children are innocent and go to heaven
Me: so you’re saying Hell is child free?
7: dad can you help me with this math problem
me: sure
me: [sees it] nope.
The math problem:
If the covid vaccine is implanting trackers in us then that just means when I get lost in an ikea then they can send in a rescue team
astronaut: we made it. we’re finally on mars
mission control: congratulations! now, the main reason for this trip: do you see any signs of-
astronaut: *sighs* no, no signs of candy bars
mission control: shit
This is my first Apocalypse, I don’t know what to wear.
I hate when I order too large a portion of ribs that it tips my car over and my modern stone age family has to get back home on foot.
Just as the prophecy foretold
No matter how hard I try, I just never seem to run out of bad ideas.
Me: You gotta get dressed, kiddo, we’re leaving soon.
7yo:
Me: Get dressed, please.
7yo:
Me: Please get dressed.
7yo:
Me: Hurry up and get dressed.
7yo:
Me: Put your clothes on.
7yo:
Me: We have to leave in 3 minutes!
7yo:
Me: GET DRESSED RIGHT NOW!!!!!
7yo: Ok! Don’t yell at me!
It is snowing perfect snowball packing snow right now, so I was wondering if anyone would like to walk slowly past my house?
You’re like a first job.
No one likes you but at least you’re a learning experience.