me: [on phone] I need a doctor’s appointment

receptionist: it’s going to be at least a month

me: ok I’ll hold

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Doctor: I told you to gargle with salt water.

Me *slurping ramen noodles*: ᵍᵃʳᵍˡᵉᵍᵃʳᵍˡᵉ


Stand way over there and let me tell you a funny fairytale. Once upon a time I ate all of your Halloween candy this morning.


Why do people knock on a locked public restroom door? And what is the person inside to say? “who is it?”


It would have been cool to see the discovery of salt. “This food tastes bland. Let’s see if I can improve it by adding some rocks.”


Don’t let that “Metalica” t-shirt fool you. She knows every word to Miley Cyrus’ “Wrecking Ball”


Interview Tip: When you get the “where do you see yourself in 5 years” question, don’t say “post-apocalyptic tribal warlord”.


If you’re in your car, go ahead and pick your nose, because the car makes you invisible.


how to beat an egg:
– literally pick any game you want, they dont even have hands