me: [on phone] I need a doctor’s appointment
receptionist: it’s going to be at least a month
me: ok I’ll hold
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Just emerged from my Y2K bunker.
Everybody okay?
A new study suggests that a future study will completely contradict this study.
Girls get so turned on when you take charge. Grab her hair and tell her she needs a shampoo with no harsh sulfates and a new lip stain.
Gosh, some tweeters are super nice.
One guy offered to trim my tree and another one wants to stuff my stockings!
How many Happy Meals do you need to eat before they start to work? I’ve just had six and I feel terrible.
I never rule out murder as the crime, even when it’s jaywalking.
*my daughter sees multiple baskets of laundry by the washer, sighs and sets her basket down in front*
Me: All laundry will be washed in the order it is received. Thank you for holding.
Everyone is thinking about who they’ll kiss at midnight, and all I can think about is meatballs.
Single men not in love with me.
Explain yourselves.
Heard the local weatherman say, “high in the thirties” & now I know the title to my autobiography.
If I ever got kidnapped my kidnapper would be like ‘why are you so good at sitting in one room for a long period of time without showering?’
*gets neck cracked by Chiropractor*
Hey I didn’t know our necks turned like an Owls
People should be teaching kids to spell by changing the wifi password every week to something increasingly complicated
I need a Waze app, but for my walks. Instead of “vehicle on shoulder ahead” it says “person on trail ahead” so I can detour to avoid any human interaction.
I never understood why parents teach their kids to wave at passing trains: they could do that to pedestrians or cars just as easily
But if you give the finger to the people on the trains, there’s nothing they can do about it — they can’t stop. It’s that that makes trains special
yes 911 i need to report a kidnapping. lol yeah there’s a baby goat asleep in my lap. no dont send cops you’ll wake him up
Me: *tries to knock 1st kite out of tree using 2nd kite*
*gets 2nd kite stuck in tree*
Genie: please don’t w-
Me: I wish for a third kite
Sometimes I dance on my bed half naked & sing into my hairbrush…. and other days… I take my medication.
*throws a dead pigeon at jerk who cut me off in traffic*
Wife: Hun, I don’t think “flipping the bird” means what you think it means.
[Dorothy, years after Oz, recounting her adventures to her grandchildren]
DOROTHY: *Smiles warmly* When I was your age, I murdered a woman and stole her shoes.
[a boomerang is thrown at me]
me: oh no holy frickin crap !
[one second later]
me: (toughly) …ok yeah that’s what i THOUGHT
[ 9 months BC ]
Mary: *changes Facebook status to “it’s complicated”
Last night my dad stopped by in my dreams. He hugged me so tight and I hugged him back and sobbed. It’s been three years since I hugged him. I miss him so much.
*burst into doctor’s office*
ME: I’m no longer canstopetid
DOCTOR: You mean constipated
ME: No I’ve had a vowel movement
DOCTOR: Get out
Them: You’re too focused on revenge
Me: Oh yeah? We’ll see about that
People judge public housing, but it’s cheap and your neighbors sell you drugs so I’m not sure I see the problem…
I’ve reached the age where good or bad news from friends produce the same reaction: I should make them a casserole. I have officially become my grandmother.
I’m so poor, the ducks are throwing bread at me.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
I owe my mom for pretty much all of who I am.
So, if you’re looking for someone to blame, there you go.