@TheHatStore

me: [on phone] I need a doctor’s appointment

receptionist: it’s going to be at least a month

me: ok I’ll hold

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@smerobin

Doctor: I told you to gargle with salt water.

Me *slurping ramen noodles*: ᵍᵃʳᵍˡᵉᵍᵃʳᵍˡᵉ

@lindseyallen

Stand way over there and let me tell you a funny fairytale. Once upon a time I ate all of your Halloween candy this morning.

@Storminika

Why do people knock on a locked public restroom door? And what is the person inside to say? “who is it?”

@kelkulus

It would have been cool to see the discovery of salt. “This food tastes bland. Let’s see if I can improve it by adding some rocks.”

@WilliamRodgers

Don’t let that “Metalica” t-shirt fool you. She knows every word to Miley Cyrus’ “Wrecking Ball”

@pointsymmetric

Interview Tip: When you get the “where do you see yourself in 5 years” question, don’t say “post-apocalyptic tribal warlord”.

@QwertyJones3

If you’re in your car, go ahead and pick your nose, because the car makes you invisible.

@KeetPotato

how to beat an egg:
– literally pick any game you want, they dont even have hands