“I literally can’t even!”
— White girl hanging a picture
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God I hate condescending assholes!
(Condescending is like when smart people talk down to you to try and make you feel stupid)
Leap years mean nothing when you have bad knees.
[used car]
ME: my credit’s bad
SALESMAN: k
ME: i’m a criminal
SALESMAN: no law against that
ME: i’m on the run
SALESMAN: then you need a car
“Just circling back on this.”
“Take another lap.”
stages of eating a banana:
– oh hey a banana
– it’s so sweet
– so easy to chew
– I like bananas
– oh god I’m only halfway done
– how big is this banana
– I’m so bored
– will this ever end
– one bite left
– I’m throwing it away now
Who lives in a pineapple under the sea? Nobody, the pH level of a pineapple can not sustain life.
I wouldn’t ask a woman if she was pregnant even if I was performing a sonogram on her and the baby waved.
If you are really good at comedy you can make $250 writing for a multimillionaire.
Me: Jesus, are these… are these claw marks in the sand?
Jesus: I put you on the back of an emu lololololol
Me: I’ve completed a psychological profile on myself.
Brain: What have we learned?
Me: I need to stop talking to myself or wear a Bluetooth device on my walks.
Brain: Will this help to keep people from staring at you?
Me: Maybe wear clothes too.
thanks for leaving the volume on an odd number all night now I have to sage the house three times to even it all out
I hate when I order too large a portion of ribs that it tips my car over and my modern stone age family has to get back home on foot.
[first day as a detective]
cop: there were no footprints at the crime scene
me: *under breath* birds
Remember, you CAN have your cake and eat it too.
In fact, you can’t even eat a cake you don’t have.
The ants won’t go in the poison traps so I made some modifications to lure them in
Most Well-known Speeches:
1. Gettysburg Address – Abe Lincoln
2. I Have a Dream – Martin Luther King
3. You Need to Floss – Every Dentist
The first 5 days after the weekend are always difficult😭
You know what would make gang members tougher? Have them start snapping, then do pirouettes in the street.
– Broadway producers
Ramadan month is exhausting. You have to wait all day to Instagram your food.
[pet shop]
Me: Excuse me, do you work here?
Hamster: No, I do not.
Alternate reality. 🤣🤣🤣
Doc I keep throwing up
Did u eat anything odd lately
No
What about that bottle youre holding labelled “lizard juice”
You said eat, idiot
HR says I’m not allowed to test the bungy rope I made out of rubber bands on the intern
You know that runny food on your plate that touches all the other food? That’s you, butting into a conversation.
You’re creamed corn.
When asked what deceased historical figure I’d like resurrected to be my dinner companion, I always answer Einstein.
When told it’s an uninspired, clichéd choice, I clarify Milena Einstein.
When she was 3, I took my youngest to makeup a gymnastics class we’d missed. The entire hr she was surly af & I had no idea why.
On the car ride home, she bold-faced stared me down and said, “MOM, we didn’t do ANY makeup in this class, you LIED.”
Kids.
Here are 5 things you should know about me:
1. I’m very secretive
[first day working at a bakery]
Customer: can I get a-
Me (brushing crumbs from my mouth): we’re out
How come when our phones fall, we panic, but when our friends fall, we laugh.
Can’t sleep because I keep finding exciting opportunities to get pissed off.