Ginny Weasley: so like what are we?
Harry Potter: [slowly reaches for invisibility cloak]
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1: ‘Twas the night before xmas, & all thru the house
Dad was trashed on Grey Goose, mom spilled merlot on her blouse
As soon as I finish building this trebuchet, I, too, shall be a flight risk
My teen was complaining he had no clean clothes so I asked him what he thought he should do: “Uh, go buy new clothes?”
Have kids. It’s fun.
6: *putting on costume* ok, I’m the superhero! Who wants to be my sidekick, and who’s going to be the bad guy?
Mum: No! It’s bedtime, put your PJs on please!
6:….. alright, so mum’s the bad guy!
STUBBORN belly fat?
Is there any other type?
Friend: Are you on social media?
Me, panicked: What’s a Twitter? Never heard of it. Nice foot clothes you’re wearing today.
[first date]
Him: I used to have a lazy eye but I had corrective surgery.
Me [trying to impress]: My entire body’s lazy.
[heaven]
ME: Lord?
JESUS: My son
ME: I have an important question
JESUS: I know…The meaning of life is f-
ME: Is Die Hard a Christmas movie?
ME: I can’t believe he ruined my life.
THERAPIST: Who?
ME: *points at myself* This idiot.
These days I just accept the website cookies without any protest. Website is like Grandma I’m not gonna fight with you.
If someone asks for advice, just tell em to follow their heart. No idea what that shit means but at least they’re not talking to you anymore
Airports have the right idea. If you’re gonna stress people out, at least give them bookstores, coffee, cocktails, and let them wear sweatpants. It’s only fair.
*time traveler returns from 2021*
“Everybody’s at home, day drinking and proving they’re not robots or cats.”
Can you imagine if you were addicted to cold turkey and you knew there was only 1 way to quit?
7yo: Why can’t I have coffee?
Me: It’ll make u even more energetic than u already are
7: But u drink it all the time& u never have energy!
I never lose followers during a bot purge. my followers are real people with real accounts who are either dead or left twitter years ago
I will never think of rock paper scissors the same way again.
Welcome to your 40s. The only shoes you can tolerate are running, but you won’t be doing any of that anymore.
I’ve resorted to stuffing my bra with car trash so I can get everything out in one trip, but thanks for carrying that sticker inside, son.
them: Why don’t you think about what you’re doing?
me: lolz
[egg hatches and a duck billed platypus pops out]
Mummy duck:…
Daddy duck: WHAT THE ACTUAL FU
Otter: Clive, now, calm down, lemme explain.
*handing nurse a bedpan*
Me: I pooped in thisNurse: you’re not a patient here
Nobody learns to parkour faster than a parent chasing a toddler with a sharpie
Me: [doing crossword] 41 band; three letters.
Wife: sum.
Me: human parts; four letters.
Wife: body.
Me: upon a time; four letters.
Wife: once.
Me: to pay; four letters.
Wife: toll.
Me: 90’s slang; three letters.
Wife: duh.
Me: refer to myself; two letters.
Wife: me.
NOT EVERYONE WAS KUNG FU FIGHTING, MOM. SOME OF US WERE TRYING TO BREAK IT UP.
Its really disgusting how other white people dont even know about the plight of [quickly wikipedias “Who is having alot of plight 2012]
I often message people with the weird idea that they’ll message me back.
*walks into a nuclear power plant
Do you serve fission chips?
I’ll see myself out..
I’m not saying that I’d summon Cthulhu to avoid work this morning, but I’m not ready to say that I wouldn’t either
The fact that dudes go on a diet but they call it “biohacking” is so funny to me.
Like if men started knitting they would call it “hyper threading” or “powertangling” or some shit