ME: I can’t believe he ruined my life.
THERAPIST: Who?
ME: *points at myself* This idiot.
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7YR OLD: daddy, what does “despacito” mean?
ME: slowly
7: ok…daddy……what……does……despacito……mean?
After exercising and eating right all week on Saturday I’m like the Kool-Aid man running into Chipotle.
Me at 2 AM: I’m so tire-
Brain: Shut. Up. Do you remember how Greg in the 3rd grade wronged you? DO YOU?
[Halloween]
Me: How adorable! I love your ghost costume!
14: *sigh* I AM NOT A GHOST! I’M SHEET-FACED.
[ER]
*covered in blood holding eyeball
Name?
Stacy
What’s wrong?
*nods to eyeball
Looking at the chart, rate your pain
I’m the winky face
[watching Harry Potter in bed]
Harry: please leave
Wonder how long it’ll take for my pregnant friend to realize that the list of baby name ideas I’m giving her are all just types of lettuce?
How confused about the world are you right now, on a scale of 0 to “trying to figure out a friend’s shower”
[waiting for elevator]
Coworker: Hey, how’s it go-
Me: I’ll take the stairs.
doctor: describe your morning routine
me: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance
doctor: I said m-o-r-n-i-n-g
me: I know how it’s spelled
When your pet is staring at you, it’s probably thinking “I wonder how long those things live.”
Judge: I need you to digitize all of my case resolutions and then make backups, on a remote server.
Law clerk: You want me to cloud your judgements?
J: You’re in contempt.
No one said your ‘cheat day’ had to be an Earth day. I use Mercury, it has a 1,408 hr day
I was called a village idiot today which really upset me. I live in a city.
Me: I’m hot.
Husband: *turns on AC*
Me: I’m cold.
H: *turns off AC*
Me: I’m hot.
H: *jumps out of car*
I want to buy a Prius because I plan on driving off of a cliff & I don’t want to make too big of an explosion & kill squirrels or turtles
*Someone sends me a 4 minute video*
me: [42 seconds later] wow that’s so awesome thanks for sharing!
[January 1st]
Moon: whatcha gonna do today
Earth: START A REVOLUTION
At marathons I like to put glitter in cups so when participants grab one and throw it in their face they get a party instead of hydration
Do not levitate over flowers
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Do you think his parents looked at him as a baby and said “You look like an Engelbert Humperdinck”?
My mom said I have a cousin twice removed and now I’m wondering how you can screw up so badly you get disowned two times.
I wouldn’t have to stash these leftovers in my bra if this dress had pockets
My greatest fear about not having children is that I might miss out on certain life experiences, such as getting caught in a bitter custody battle
They irony of being hit by a Dodge.
Why are top brands getting more attention while your unique, innovative ideas stay underrated? Here is some #ThursdayAdwisdom. The truth is that you may be missing out on one of the most fundamental rules of selling – grabbing consumer’s interest. #digitalmarketing
meow
Eating a block of cheese is probably the most delicious way to figure out it’s time to get some groceries.
Me: Dropped my phone & now screen doesn’t work.
Help forum: Should’ve had a better case.
Apparently, my mother works in Samsung support now.
Girl Scout was out of Thin Mints and Samoas and tried to guilt me into taking those bullshit Trefoils off her hands.
FIND ANOTHER SUCKER, AUBREY.