the most important thing i learned from kermit the frog is that you can have a pretty good life without ever putting on pants
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I told my sons that we used to have to ask girls out and even break up face to face and the look of horror on their faces was priceless.
enough about microplastics. wanna try some macroplastics. i’m eating a frisbee
Sometimes I think I am pretty smart and then I try to breathe my own saliva.
5 made a window cling, and it’s the most corrupt Sun I’ve ever seen.
I didn’t get a chance to do yoga this morning or any other morning of my life.
Just left a note on the ex’s car saying “I STILL LOVE YOU” hope it doesn’t go unnoticed. I keyed it in pretty deep.
[having sex]
ME: sex sounds
PARTNER: are you saying “sex sounds”
me: I don’t like other people’s kids
them: how old are yours?
me: I don’t have any
“As per my email…”
Ooh, someone’s absolutely livid.
Wonder who’s getting killed off this season on Sesame Street
I dig, you dig, we dig, he digs, she digs, they dig.
It’s not a beautiful poem, but it’s very deep.
Me: is it ok if we have sex right now
Girlfriend: yes, also thanks for asking
Me: yeah consent is important, don’t u agree
Mom, also at the dinner table: absolutely, you’re such a gentleman
computer: create username
me: liamneesonskid
computer: username has been taken
*bugs bunny*
bunny: stop bothering me
A gritty reboot of basketball where we find out all the players’ moms were murdered by circles and that’s why they throw rocks at one.
I opened my front door and saw a coyote in the yard and said “Oh, sorry” and closed the door like I’d walked in on an unlocked bathroom stall.
[baby wakes up in the middle night]
“Go back to sleep, hun. I’ll sort it out.”
[puts baby on eBay]
Him: your account was stolen!
Me: My twitter account?
Him: no your bank account!*sigh*
Me: thanks God!
friend: edible kick in?
me [washing my hands]: not yet
friend [turns on faucet]: you sure?
[creation]
GOD: You guys are bees
BEE: Are we important?
GOD: Mankind would collapse without you
BEE: Can we fly?
GOD: No, it’s physically impossible cause you’re all too fat lol
BEE: …
GOD: Ok fine I’ll figure it out
ME: I’ve finally adjusted to daylight savings time
WIFE: really
ME: really
WIFE: *takes cat out of fridge*
ME: *stops petting the milk*
Me, day twenty of law school:
Your diligence, the prosecution rests.
Judge: Counselor, for the third time…you are the defense.
Me: Shit! Can I go again?
First line in frozen pizza instructions: DO NOT EAT FROZEN PIZZA W/OUT COOKING. It’s almost like they know I’m the target demographic.
Woman selling raffle tickets: would you like to enter a drawing?
Guy from A-Ha: i’m not doing that shit again
When people start a sentence with “believe it or not” I’m like wow, those are two very good options
me, sober: ugh, i’m never leaving my house again, people are trash.
me, after 3 beers: *on a megaphone* ATTENTION EVERYONE IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD I WOULD LIKE TO PAY YOUR ELECTRICITY BILL THIS MONTH
Eve: I got an Apple.
Adam: …
Eve: …
Adam: …
Eve: What?
Adam: I thought we’d decided on Android.
Eve: The serpent said this was better.