When people start a sentence with “believe it or not” I’m like wow, those are two very good options
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16yo daughter; “I love listening to the oldies!”
*plays The Smiths
Me: Uncontrollable weeping
Remember to kick Friday right in the panty hamster.
fun fact: nike is short for nichael
My husband said let’s cuddle, so he took one dog and I took the other two, and we cuddled.
A 6′-6″ guy doesn’t scare me, but my 5′-1″ wife does, if you were looking for inspiration to get married.
why do people get so upset about bad haircuts. name one other problem that resolves itself quietly over time while you wait
The girl who once told me “If I’m not married by the time I’m 30, kill me” got married recently at 29 and WHEW is that a load off my mind
Apparently my neighbors are having a slamming the door every 5 minutes party
listen, if your girl ever has to move home for a few weeks to save a family business whilst in the company of a charming slacker she once had a crush on in high school, you’re gonna have a bad time
Him You’re the reason I’m up at night
Me: Awww
Him: Please stop calling me at 2am
I’m so sweaty at all times I think it would be biologically accurate to call me amphibious.
At some point, you’d think there’d be a governmental inquiry into the excessively high escape rate of Gotham City’s penitentiaries.
is this a warning or an offer?
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It’s all fun and games until someone from real life recognizes you and you realize you’re too small to drag off the body.
“i don’t think i’ll have kids”
-plain
-invites arguments“this bloodline dies with me”
-assertive
-metal as hell
-implies you’re taking on a great and noble burden which allows no arguments
i saw “independence day” in the theater in 1996, and friends, i will never forget the way the entire audience literally and ecstatically CHEERED when the dog escaped from the explosion. that dog could have won an election for president with like 95% of the vote in july, 1996
It’s wild how many grown adults complain about being in debt. Like, it’s not hard. I have zero debt in my early 30s, all because I’ve worked since I was 16, I don’t spend money on things I don’t need, and my great great grandfather invented doors.
Threw my back out due to overwhelming sensuality again.
Car commercials grossly overestimate how much time I spend driving around in the desert
Normal person: I’m in a bad mood.
LA Person: It’s like, uh. Do you— there’s like a weird energy out there today, right?
Bobcat Escapes National Zoo #WhatDoYouThink?
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we talk a lot of shit about men but without them we wouldn’t have forensic files, 48 hours, dateline, some 20/20s, serial, on the case with paula zahn, cold case, my favorite murder, making a murderer, homicide hunter,
I thought Penelope was pronounced Peen-a-lope until I was in jr high school
In the beginning God created the heaven and the earth. And God said, let there be light: and there was light. And God said let there be sunshine and moonlight and good times.
And then God blamed it on the boogie.
I’d like to say the best moment of a woman’s life is giving birth, but it’s actually seeing an old nemesis & realizing she got really fat.
If you don’t have any friends who have covid right now you’re blessed or you probably don’t have friends
Only a mother’s love …
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[Lingerie store]
ME: I’d like to buy some underwear for my wife.
ASSISTANT: Satin?
ME: No, I’d prefer new ones.
Health insurance so bad, snitches only get bandaids
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who sees you eating the chicken nuggets he said he didn’t want