Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I refuse to stay at a Holiday Inn until they publicly specify what holiday they are referring to.

If Scooby-Doo taught me anything, it’s that if you want to kill someone, do it in a retirement community, where pets aren’t allowed.

Are you a can of biscuits? Because I’d like to bang you on the counter.

When someone has a question at the end of the Friday afternoon meeting

this brownie is so moist
“ugh i hate that word”
okay [opens thesaurus] this brownie is totally soaked. i love to eat damp and soggy brownies

WAR ON XMAS BATTLE LOG:

•DAY 6
-Ate a load bearing wall in the gingerbread house.

“Wish You Were Beer!”

Wait…no…that’s right…send.

Welcome to your 40s, your bra wins the Oscar for the best actor in a supportive role.

I prefer to date a man after I see how well he treats his wife.

Sorry but this is the best bird story I’ve ever read. The update is *chefs kiss*

Autoerotic asphyxiation? No thanks, I’m not much of a car guy.

“1990 called, they want their shirt back.”
“…why didn’t you warn them about 9/11?”

I went to a singles event once. I didn’t see one slice of Kraft cheese.

I consider that false advertising.

If you add up everyone murdered in BBC crime dramas, there are actually only 40 people still living in the UK

[Soldiers regrouping]
Where’s Jim?
He went M.I.A.
*Cut to Jim*
♫ All I wanna do
*bang bang bang bang*
*reloading noise*
And shoot enemies ♫

Fixing my grandma’s computer and I see that her search history is about seven various spellings of the name of the last guy I dated.

One time I brought a friend perfume, and later we had a huge falling out. Yes, I was sad, but I also imagined her throwing out her gift and a raccoon finding it. And oddly enough a fancy raccoon wandering around San Francisco wearing YSL perfume makes a lot of things better.

Cannot believe that even in this day and age people discriminate against each other for petty things like race and religion. All people are deserving of love and respect if they’re good looking. Period.

[at the pool]

4: mama, why are we hiding our stuff?

Me: so nobody steals it

4: but bandits wear black and white. We can see them coming.

Me: most thieves dress like regular people

4: but then you can take off their costumes and you’ll see the black and white

Who knew that a fighter jet could be a flight risk?

Chocolate cheesecake so good you forget that your wife told you not to eat it.

[spelling bee]

JUDGE: the word is “semicolon”

ME: can you use it in a sentence?

JUDGE: not really, no

Just told my toddler to eat 5 bites of her dinner, to which she replied I was horrible. So I counted the number 3 twice. Biotch.

Husband: UGH that kid is JUST LIKE YOU.
Me: Wonderful?
H:
M: Charming?
H:
M: Light of your life?
H: [leaves room]
Me: [shouts] SUPER COOL?

If I worked at a pizza place I would use pepperoni to spell out “Marry me?” on pizzas all the time just to make things awkward for couples.

“Living well is the best revenge.”
– someone who has never thrown a jar of spiders onto their enemy’s face.

the worst pressure is when you’re replying to a text with a word you can’t spell and you know they’re going to wonder why it took you 5 minutes to type “I’ll bring hors d’oeuvres”

Someone: your tweet is unnecessary

Me: *gesturing at Twitter* PLEASE TELL ME WHAT PART OF THIS IS NECESSARY I’LL WAIT

Blew out my flip flop…

[skydiving, first jump]
INSTRUCTOR: everyone ready?
EAGLE: yes.
HAWK: check.
SPARROW: ready.
PENGUIN: this is a really bad idea.