I need a fifth of Wild Turkey, some meth, three sticks of dynamite and a Bible. I’ll explain later.
You Might Also Like
Had day surgery – came out with about fifteen less followers than when I went in with.
So apparently I’m offensive even when unconscious.
Not today. 😅
“There will be snacks.” – someone successfully convincing me to do anything
Newborns cry because they’re being evicted
most awkward objects to handle:
1. mattress
2. big sack of onions
3. dead guy rolled in a carpet
I finally got some me time away from the kids. Two whole hours. It would’ve been longer but my legs went numb crouching behind the dryer.
Rich people go to parties. It’s what they do. And somehow we must all watch videos of it.
5 year old: Mommy, did you get that kind of turkey I like at the store?
Me: Ham? Yes
You’re so strain. You probably think this song is about flu.
*wear sunscreen*
*go up to a guy named Ray and punch him in the nose*
*now laugh because sunscreen protects you from ultra violent Rays*
GUY: Do you want to play fantasy baseball?
ME: Okay, I’m a pitcher with gills
Coming home from costume party dressed as a priest, and pulled over by Police.
Cop..You been drinking?
Me..Water.
Cop..I smell wine.
Me..Oh my God, He’s done it again!!!!!
The one nice thing about your friends’ divorces is no one invites you to them.
Saying veganism is too expensive is kind of dumb because like, rabbits do it and they don’t even have jobs
The only occasions in which I will run:
– Zombie apocalypse
– Salma Hayek is handing out all-you-can-eat baby back ribs
Me: so you want me to buy all the presents.
Santa: yes.
Me: put them together?
Santa: yep.
Me: wrap them up?
Santa: that’s right.
Me: and then tell my kids you got the presents for them?
Santa:
Me:
Santa: I mean when you say it like that it sounds bad.
First thing I’m doing after getting vaccinated is going to visit my little brother. Second thing I’m doing is waiting until he uses the restroom to sync my phone with his Nest thermostat so I can change the temperature in his home from anywhere in the world. This is how I love.
[roommate watching me get ready]
dont take that with you
“why not”
why would you
“it’ll be fine”
[hour into date and I spill my bag of ants]
You can tell a lot about a person by their avi.
For instance if they use an egg, they’re probably a chicken.
I let my son go to bed last night with his Nintendo Switch and he called me a good dad. This parenting shit is easy!
So I have one coworker who uses “irregardless” and another who uses “unappropriate” and now I’m over trying to conversate with these people.
I’d been using my new hand-mirror for over 6 months before I realized it was actually a framed stock photo of a much less handsome man.
Mum to child: Have you got a sticker we could use?
Child produces 6 billion.
I impose tariffs on my children by taking a bite of each Poptart before I hand it to them, and let me tell you, the markets don’t like it
In ancient Egypt a man went around selling burial monuments that didn’t actually exist.
Fortunately people caught on to his pyramid scheme.
me: I want to travel to the victorian era & meet a real gentleman [takes time machine back to 1860 England]
man: 31? what are u my grandma?
[MIDNIGHT TRAIN STATION]
ME: one ticket, please
TICKET SALESMAN: sure, where to?
ME: *looks at camera* anywhere
TICKET SALESMAN: where tho
I’m confused about plants
I’m not smiling because I like you, I’m smiling because I’m imagining a piano landing on your head.
You call it gossiping, I call it a love of knowledge