Ron Swanson with nurse:
Is there a history of mental health disorders in your family?
“I have an uncle who does yoga”
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“How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb?”
“Depends, into what?”
“Here kitty, kitty, kitty”
– me, drunk, about to get bit by a raccoon
I have a bumper sticker that says “Honk if you think I’m sexy!” Then I just sit at green lights until I feel better about myself!
I appreciate people venturing into entrepreneurship but is it really necessary to call yourself CEO when your firm is total of 3 people?
I’m just a guy standing in a Starbucks line, thinking I could’ve milked a cow and grown my own coffee beans faster than this shit.
Me: they’re coming!
911: can you hide?
Me: they’ll find me!!
911: stay calm
Me: the door is opening…help!
“Mooom! We want a snack!!”
Took an edible and got so nervous on this flight that I started petting someone else’s service dog.
Guy stole my identity this week and I’m like I HAVE A FAMILY YOU HAVE TO TAKE THEM TOO
me: i keep having that dream where my teeth are falling out
dentist: not a dream, please stop chewing the cement balls outside target
Her: How does she always know we’re taking her to the vet?
Him: I don’t know. Keep looking.
If my metabolism and serotonin were employees they would have been so fired by now
The government was gonna impose martial law but a typo turned it into marital law, so now everyone is just passive aggressively coughing into one another’s soup while they watch 24-hour news channels in complete silence
Ron on Facebook says he hopes to be stuck on a dessert island, so naturally I commented “that sounds delicious”.
The most unrealistic part of Star Wars is that everyone knows how to fix their own spaceship.
I don’t drink blood to stay young. I do it mainly for the lifestyle.
Differences between coffee and sex:
– I had coffee before and after getting married
– I can have coffee with my wife’s sister without it being a big thing
– I’ve never paid $300 to have coffee
– I am encouraged to have coffee at Starbucks
If you’re ever interested in having a near death experience just tell a girl she’s not hot enough to be that crazy.
*Dino-Jesus preaching to the dinosaurs*
“Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.”
*Asteroid crushes Earth*
“Dammit Dad.”
The government says 50 terror plots have been thwarted since NSA surveillance. What a perfectly even, unsuspicious number.
Pregnant women are full of ‘compressed heir’
Find someone who looks at you,
I think that’s a pretty good start.
“Please go play with your brother. That’s basically the reason we had him.”
Interviewer: and finally, why do you want to become a police officer.
Me: [thinking of all the awesome parties i’ll finally get called to] help the community obviously
Whenever I watch a home invasion thriller, I’m mostly terrified by how I’ll never be able to afford to own a home.
To err is human
To purr is cat
To grr is dog
To brr is cold
To durr is dumb
To slur is drunk
To occur is when you realise this tweet is going nowhere
Be the horrifying backstory of your family’s lineage.
I wanted to hear the pitter-patter of little feet so now my cats wear tap shoes.
Watch it bro, your mouth’s writing checks your body can’t cash. Because you write really sloppy with the pen in your mouth. Seriously, wtf?
DATE: {seductively} What’s your type?
ME: {seductively} One sec.
[2 minutes later]
ME: Ok yeah, love you, no I’m on a date, mom she’s the one trust me, thanks again, ok bye. {turns to date} She said B positive.
Me: lord give me a sign
Lord: *gives me a sign*
Me: no, give me a sign I like