@Dorkstar

I appreciate people venturing into entrepreneurship but is it really necessary to call yourself CEO when your firm is total of 3 people?

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@bewgtweets

[first date]

Me: so what do you do

Her: I’m a stay at home mom

Me: *leans in close* then what are you doing outside of that house

@STRIKINGxVIKING

My daughter does this thing where she copies EVERYTHING the dog does; Bark, beg, fetch etc. It was adorable!

Until the dog humped the couch

@MELisCrazyInAZ

Omg. Why do I always look terrible when I leave the house.

*stays in bed until 4 minutes before I’m supposed to leave*

@squirrel74wkgn

[leaving for vacation]

Me: Do we have everything?

Kids: Yes!

Me: Let’s go!

[5 min up road]

Son: Dad, where’s mommy?

Me: *makes u-turn*

@UncleDuke1969

Inspirational Tweet:

Found the sock gone missing 7 weeks ago in today’s clean laundry.

Sometimes they come back, people. Keep the faith.

@pilau

My 4yo just said “is life a dream because it doesn’t make sense” and I suspect he’s right

@Fickle_Filly

People who use the phrase “Correct me if I’m wrong…” clearly don’t know me very well.

@SwedishCanary

At this point my only chance at getting thinner is going to a paint store.

@BuckyIsotope

“Honey, did you leave your tools out in the backyard?”
*sounds of sawing*
Oh no
*backyard is filled with dads building a deck*
Get the hose