*first date*
Me: *in the bathroom texting my mom* Hey can you vacuum the food crumbs out of my racecar bed I think I’m gonna have sex tonight
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Sometimes parenthood is having to say “please don’t throw your beef stick at me” with a straight face.
My son just asked me if bears are dogs or cats and I laughed for a second and then was like damn I don’t know buddy
MILLION DOLLAR IDEA: An alarm clock that sounds like a dog’s pre-puke warning grunts.
If it was really a smart phone it would have recognize that it was an ignored call, not missed.
Me: I hate drama.
Also me: Reads all 258 comments on a heated Facebook post thread that is 100 percent not my business.
When I was a kid there were two sure ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents.
spider: sup
me: omg stay away
spider: don’t worry I’m a good spider
me: there’s good spiders?
spider: hahaha no I’m gonna get you
I’m glad my bed can’t speak because it has seen me in some weird positions
RIP boiling water. You will be mist.
yelling “you’re not my real dad” is a faux pas
Last year for Christmas I got a sweater, this year I am hoping for a screamer or a moaner.
A treadmill minute is four times as long as a sleep minute.
I was driving home the other day, when suddenly a group of robbers jumped in and stole everything. They were pirates of the car I be in.
All cars should have a robot hand built into the driver’s seat headrest. If you don’t use your turn signal, it flicks you in the ear for the rest of the trip.
i love leggings with pockets because i can carry my keys, two chicken burritos, and remnants of my dignity
Mrs. Cinnamon Toast Crunch is about to eat her family and honestly I get it
I’m going to be a ghost who haunts people with a high metabolism. Hate never dies
Fit Bit: ‘Keep going!’
Recliner: ‘Trust your feelings.’
Friend of mine confused IUD with IED and I couldn’t stop laughing
Joseph Campbell: Follow your bliss.
Marie Kondo: Spark joy every day.
My doctor: Everything you love is bad for you.
Me:
Me: [travels back in time but dies in the vacuum of space because I forgot to account for the earth’s orbit] ope!
WIFE: Why is the zoo calling us about a missing coyote?
ME: [bleeding profusely] So… not a dog
Cat saves kid? Please. My cat would’ve pushed me into traffic, stolen my identity, & would be living it up in Mexico by now.
I had the car up on the jack loosening the lug nuts, neighbor says you’re going to kill yourself here let me show you, and that’s how you get someone to change a tire for you.
Anonymously I asked kids (aged 6) to write new years resolutions. Here are some favorites…
“Eat more butter”
“Build a mud hut”
“Learn to drive”
“Try my hardest at everything but not maths”
“Make a new language”
“Invent Google”
👾👾👾
85% of Canadian moms need you to fix their computer this afternoon
Wife: Go out for breakfast?
Me: Sure!
Wife: Ok, let me shower first.
*showers, dresses & puts on makeup*
Me: Where should we have lunch?
[at stadium with child]
Me: That is batball.
[at the races]
Me: That is horse circles.
[at the opera]
Me: This is horned yodeling.
Earth, 1980: please stop emitting so much carbon dioxide
People: lol nah
Earth, 2020: HEY REMEMBER WHEN I ASKED NICELY LOL