spider: sup
me: omg stay away
spider: don’t worry I’m a good spider
me: there’s good spiders?
spider: hahaha no I’m gonna get you
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Look me in the eye and tell me you love me…
No, not the glass one.
Really discouraging that there’s still bald people in sci fi movies.
do I regret it, Carol? Hell, I don’t even remember gretting it the first time!
Dr: How can I help you?
Me: Can you make me look like this?
Dr: Ma’am, that’s a picture of Hello Kitty.
In New England, we only have two seasons:
1) Ice cream will melt if you leave it in the car
2) Ice cream is fine if you leave it in the car
cause baby now we’ve got
baaathtubs
you know we soaking in
maaad suds
so take a loofah for
baaack scrubs
cause baby now we baaathtubs [hey!]
11: You take a lot of naps
Me: Well you weren’t using them
I seriously want my vet to be my primary care physician
My wife asked me if I was going to take a shower before we go to some friend’s house for the evening like she didn’t see me get in the pool.
(Person choking)
Heimlich: Would it help if I gave you a hug?
When someone says “Idaho”, I still respond by saying “Udaho!” and I will never stop.
I guess I didn’t lobby hard enough to make extroduce the word of the year.
(friends getting chinese noodles without you)
that’s pretty lo, mein
At the zoo, you have to drag me away from the otter pool. The promise of a soft pretzel usually does it.
I like waiters.
They bring a lot to the table.
Do not apologize for your dog coming up to me because this is exactly what I wanted
[jungle book]
bagheera: “you can’t fight him like a wolf, you’re NOT a wolf, fight him like a man”
mowgli: [writes a strongly worded e-mail]
ME: come here honey
HER: [yelling from the kitchen] i’m busy
ME: do you need anything from Amazon?
HER: [0.1 seconds later] i have a list
My wife claims watching me do karate “isn’t foreplay.” Why am I even alive.
Me: Bless me Father, for I have sinned.
Padre: What is your sin, my child?
Me: Twitter.
Padre: Wow, if I had a nickel for every time . . .
I never wanted to hug someone as badly as the little old man who just ordered a “small coffee flavored coffee” in Starbucks.
*pronounces “naked” like “baked”
I’m off to the store
got your wallet?
yes
you sure?
YES
*hour later wife turns on news and I’m being chased by 6 cop cars and a helicopter*
the casting director for “the boys” probably just left a few milkshakes out
in case you were wondering how things are going these days for the generation that attended kindergarten exclusively via zoom…
our 6yo has started surreptitiously playing wordle on his school-issued chromebook while in class and skyping us his score
[evening drive]
3yo: daddy
me: yes sweetie
3yo: the moon is following us
me: *floors it*
I have 1 calorie left for the day on MyFitnessPal app. I think I’ll eat this fruit fly that’s been annoying me.
Why can’t we have a civil debate?
– people who can’t even stay on topic
People who like to ask, “What do you like to do for fun?” are the reason I carry an air horn in my purse.