11: You take a lot of naps
Me: Well you weren’t using them
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My wife was shocked when she found out I was a bad electrician.
*running from cops*
Me: hey wait hold up if we’re gonna do this i really should be wearing my fitbit
Cop: yeah me too good idea
Welcome to parenthood. Bring spare clothing everywhere you go. For the baby, for you, for your spouse, for the cashier at the grocery store, for the person sitting next to you on the plane…
[restaurant]
WAITER: are you ready to order
DAD: i’ll have the rabbit stew
WAITER: only if you promise not to say “waiter there’s a hare in my soup” after i bring it
DAD:
WAITER:
DAD: i’ll have the chicken
Why would I want a memory pillow? Sleep is where I go to forget.
How come mimes never imagine being in bigger boxes?
I just weighed myself so I could then weigh the dog; so now we’re both depressed and comfort eating kibble.
Wow so when an ostrich buries head in the sand, it’s alright; but when I do it, I’m arrested for trying to get rid of a murder victim’s body.
Is it because I’m brown??
Cop1: Has becoming a father affected your work
Cop2: Not a bit
Cop1: Ok cover me, I’m going in
Cop2: HI GOING IN I’M DAD
[both get shot]
“I’m a green onion and I’m here to say, I can be enjoyed most every day.”
-A rapscallion
How do I tell my husband I only like him as a friend without it getting weird
Every zoo is a petting zoo if you can run fast enough.
I thought all the men at my gym were being exceptionally nice for a Monday morning but turns out my workout pants are just see-through.
I don’t think that i’ve ever made anyone get the butterflies. Dry heave yeah but i don’t think…no
My daughter reminded me that being older doesn’t mean I’m always right. Sometimes, I’ve just been wrong for longer.
If Vanilla Ice was a priest:
🎶If you have a sin, yo, I’ll solve it / read the Good Book while my DJ absolves it! 🎶
What do you call a laughing motorcycle?
Yamahahahahahahahahaha
has anyone fixed the sound barrier yet
ceimr
thats “crime” but in alphabetical order
organized crime
Wife: Did you pay the mortgage yet?
Me: Do you think surfers in India are called Hindudes?
Wife: What?
Me: What?
Communication is hard
Cellphones have two brightness settings: “dim” and “the messiah is back”
I’m buying a gallon of organic milk and now I don’t know how to tell my family that I’m out of money for Christmas gifts
Chuck E. Cheese is a child casino, good night
I’m fighting for free speech. Mine not yours you need to shut the f*** up
If you get the Wordle in 5 while a toddler is screaming at you it counts as getting the Wordle in 1.
When people ask me about my hobbies, I tell them I’m into birdwatching, photography and meeting new people.
It sounds better than stalking.
I can’t explain it, but the new work coffee machine is making the coffee sarcastically.
Just know that if I go up to the hand sanitizer machine and it doesn’t dispense anything, I’m still running my hands together. 🙏🏼
The worst part about getting sucked up by the tornado you’re filming is to die knowing your wife was right. You are an idiot.
For several weeks my preschooler has begged to go to a farm to pick her own fruits and veggies. Last Sunday we planned a special day and made the hour drive to learn that what she really wanted was to wear overalls.