11: You take a lot of naps
Me: Well you weren’t using them
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Friend: What’s your costume for Halloween?
Me: The Invisible Man
Friend: Bandages and sunglasses?
Me: More realistic.
Friend: You’re not coming to the party are you?
Me: God no.
“you smell good” yeah bro i’ve had a nose my whole life
Neighbor asked me over for coffee and said ‘make yourself comfortable’, so I did, I went home.
when you wake up in the morning after you went there last night planning to break up
Someone posted this in and I can’t stop laughing.
Thank god my neighbors let their dogs out at 5am or I might actually sleep in on a Saturday.
The best part of running at 5am is the irrational, adult fear of zombies to keep you going.
Me: What’d you do this weekend?
Her: I got a henna tattoo.
Me: (picturing a chicken with body art) Like for her birthday or something?
What idiot called it a pig thief and not a ham burglar?
[Troy in the olden times]
“WTF is that?”
A wooden horse
“It’s not full of soldiers is it?”
[from in horse] JUST TAKE IT INSIDE & HAVE A LOOK
Sorry, but that was only my favorite food in the world BEFORE you bought 5 cases of it at Costco.
-Kids
VIRUS PRO TIP: DO NOT use your hands to press elevator buttons, etc. The virus can be transmitted onto your fingers which in turn can get you sick. I’ve found using my tongue works better bc theres no way it can get onto your hands
Fortune teller: Your love life will–
Me: Never mind that. Will I ever have a tweet go viral?
Hey Facebook…Meta sounds like the name of Elon Musk’s next girlfriend.
Me: it’s just a few spoonfuls of ice cream, why are you freaking out?
Him: that’s a ladle
Moth 1: Such a great day for flying
Moth 2: No wind at all…perfect
Moth 1: Where should be go?
Moth 2: We cou-[semi-truck drives by]
Moth 1 (looking around): Hello? Stan?
ME: So listen, if we pay a little extra, can we have the baby in color, instead of black-and-white?
ULTRASOUND TECHNICIAN: Sir, I’m gonna explain this one more time…
Inventor of raisins: “What do you like about grapes”
me: the juice part, the freshness
Inventor: right but what if they had neither
[first day in the crime lab]
me: I can’t believe we get to invent new heists
Hiring Manager: Your resume is impressive but what experience do you have in the field?
Me: Frolicking, stopping to smell the roses- typical field stuff sir
Ah, summer break. When I leave for work my teenagers are sleeping and when I get home from work, my teenagers are sleeping.
[on a first date]
Me: sure, I’d love to see your basement
[seaside wedding]
We are gathered here today to celebrate the-
[bride picked up by giant seagull]
-completion of the ritual. HAIL GULLTHRAX
Most people in horror movies would still be alive, if only those idiots had listened to the audience.
“911 what’s ur emergency”
This guy’s not breathing
“Did u send him ur vibes?”
Yes I been sending em
“I’m sending some too”
Okay he good now
[Satanic ritual]
Leader [pinching the bridge of his nose]: what is this
Me: the sacrifice
Leader: they’re cupcakes
Me: YEAH, BARRY, DEVIL’S FOOD AND I’LL HAVE YOU KNOW I SACRIFICED MY ENTIRE DAY TO MAKE THEM
A couple of weeks ago I replaced my work computer with an aquarium. If anyone asks, I say it’s my screensaver.
If I eat healthy today then I can have one piece of candy as a reward. If I eat unhealthy, then I can have the whole bag.
My rap name is When i$ Lunch