Wow so when an ostrich buries head in the sand, it’s alright; but when I do it, I’m arrested for trying to get rid of a murder victim’s body.
Is it because I’m brown??
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[me, from cold stone] launch the missiles
My husband pissed me off so I wrapped his remote and put it under the tree.
Studies show that 100% of all parents think alcohol tastes much better after spending the day with children.
When I am calculating any risk, I think to myself: is this first cat life behavior? Or ninth cat life behavior?
Hey good news everyone : the history test I spent all night tossing and turning about, ended up being just a dream, as I graduated from high school 12 years ago
me: the wind blew off 3/4 of my roof
friend: oof
me: pretty much
Establish your dominance with the drive-thru attendant by saying, “That completes my order” before they ask.
you ever be washing a spoon and it wash u back?
My wife is always like, “You answer the door, I don’t even have my bra on!” and for that reason, I have stopped wearing a bra.
[Half of my body is already in the anaconda]
“Is this a date? This feels like a date.”
Doctor: we saved your dad but he’s part owl now
Son: Dad it’s me
Dad: *head turned 180°* who
Son: very funny
Doctor: yeah he has amnesia too
I’m like a swan. But not in the elegant grace way, in the way I’m surprisingly violent if you get between me and bread.
The elephant is my spirit animal.
1. we never forget
2. we hate the circus
3. we’re scared of mice
4. we’re Disney characters
5. we’re awkward in rooms
by this time next year, Ariana Grande’s eyelashes will be so long that male peacocks will challenge her for dominance
Update: Gingerbread men are actually incredibly slow and delicious
I was thinking about drinking less beer but I knew I couldn’t do it if I always have cold ones ready to go.
It was self a self fridge-filling prophecy
can’t talk my ride’s here
“No more self-deprecating tweets,” I whisper fatly.
Wonders if chickens do the funky people.
I want to open a shelter for neglected and forgotten passwords.
*walks up with my full head of mongooses*
Medusa: Let’s rock.
All of Ariel’s mer-sisters’ names started with A too. More like keeping up with the Karsplashians.
If anyone asks, I’m drinking all this wine to collect corks for a pinterest project.
[under heavy sniper fire]
Platoon leader: where’s that sniper fire coming from?
Me [crying a fair bit]: a big gun with a telescope on it
Wife: Will you please move your stupid truck?
Me: I’m sorry, move what?
Wife: Ugh. Will you please move the Colossus of Roads?
How school works:
In class: 2+2=4
Homework: 2+4+2=8
Exam: John had 4 apples.He eats one and gives one to a friend. Calculate the Sun’s mass.
[Fancy restaurant]
DATE: *seductively* I like a man who knows what he wants
ME: *way too loudly* THERE’S NOT ENOUGH KETCHUP ON MY TATER TOTS
maybe if they didn’t want air bnb to fall they should’ve made it on the ground
Me: They were out of tampons, so I got you a box of bandaids instead.
Her:
Whenever a guy peeps into my phone, I open the front cam and take a selfie with him.