The elephant is my spirit animal.
1. we never forget
2. we hate the circus
3. we’re scared of mice
4. we’re Disney characters
5. we’re awkward in rooms
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I wrote ‘DIVORCE’, my wife wrote ‘YES’.
Tough way to find out, but at least I won our last game of Scrabble
My life hack? If you buy a Rubik’s cube and never touch it they’ll never know you can’t solve it.
Springsteen: baby we were born to run
Springsadult: let’s just take a cab
Found a potato way under my kid’s bed and I’m not even surprised, just relieved it’s not that old of a potato
“If you are fat you will die,” said the thin ppl, who would never die.
Unicorn: Come on man, do it just one more time.
Dragon: This is the last time.
Unicorn: Hell yeah!
Dragon: [toasts unicorns marshmallow]
Person: *falls in love with me*
Me: I have felt bad for a spoon I accidentally threw away because it probably thinks I don’t want it anymore and, why is it the only spoon the in the trash.
Person: ok cool, never mind.
[showing baby to friends]
“Aw, he looks like his dad!”
Wife [trying to hold back tears]: they say there’s nothing they can do
Me (27 f) and my bf (12 ft tall Home Depot skeleton) are trying for a child to no success. Any tips helpful!!!
surgeon: are… are you still awake?
me: man i got a lot going on right now
Burglar: [smashes window]
Burglar: [comes into house]
Burglar: [steals electronics]
Burglar: [steals furniture]
Burglar: [steals jewelry]
Burglar: [ransacks bedrooms]
Burglar: [opens package of cheese]My dog [appearing from nowhere]: hey, what you got there?
I hate camping with my English teacher friend because he insists we only use the perfect tents.
I just fell flat on my face outside and made a reverse snow angel trying to get up
If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.
Beyonce made a song called “Single Ladies” then went home to her husband and left you lonely hoes dancing in a circle pretending to be happy
They should invent a Sunday that’s longer than a couple of minutes.
My kids sure do make a lot of plans for being people who don’t know how to drive themselves anywhere.
Spiderman, Spiderman/
Does whatever a spider can/
Attends college/
Works as a photographer/
Just like a spider
Don’t talk to me until after I’ve had my breakfast beer
If I were a music critic I would write things like, “He really steered that car into the driveway” or “Her music makes me want to eat a quality pizza”
If you see me in Atlanta this weekend, at a Taylor Swift concert, that’s not me.
Interviewer: “need anything before we start?”
Hold on let me get my e-cig out of my PT cruiser
“…Actually the position has been filled”
I requested the number 867-5309 from my cellular provider because I like being annoyed to the point of rage.
“Avocado Kedavra”
-Harry Potter before tuning his enemies into guacamole
Me: I made a perfect napping spot just for you
My cat: no thank you, I would rather be uncomfortable than do anything you suggest
ChatGPT, you are Leonardo da Vinci with a PhD in psychology and 20 years of experience providing mental health services for the ancient Sumerians. Analyze my tweets and formulate a life plan for me with the goal being me developing x-ray vision
do british flat earthers say the world is apartment?
My children will either grow up with a sarcastic, dark sense of humor or they’ll wind up a serial killer team. Either way, I’m excited that I won’t have to drive them to birthday parties.
Hour 43 no smoking:
-No one is dead.
-Colors are more vivid.
-Country music makes sense.
-I’d suck a fart if it contained nicotine.