Found a potato way under my kid’s bed and I’m not even surprised, just relieved it’s not that old of a potato
You Might Also Like
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the Chewbacca mask at home tomorrow
When people tell me I have the body of a 25 yr old, I’m unsure if it’s a compliment, or they finally unearthed the oil drums in my backyard.
To tree roots that look remarkably like snakes:
You’re not funny.
Someone want to tell my kids that the color of the bowl has NO EFFECT ON THE FLAVOR OF THE FOOD!!
Just saw a disheveled man in a bathrobe run out of an uber to an atm. Whose client is this?
Well my name’s Harry Potter and I’m here to say
That half of my movies looked wet and gray
My daughter stole and lost my good brow tweezers, and the only good thing is that now when I yell at her about it my brows look extra angry.
if elon musk married bill gates he would be elongates
really makes you think 🤔
[campfire]
And that’s when he realized… HE FORGOT TO ENABLE WIFI AND WATCHED 5 SEASONS USING HIS DATA PLAN
[everyone screams in terror]
I went to a birthday party and overheard a couple apologizing for leaving early because their infant could only handle people and noise for a limited amount of time and honestly I’ve never related to anyone more than that baby
What is the German word for being sad that you finished all the food
[on the phone with wife]
Honey, who do you like better, Hulk Hogan or Jafar from Aladdin?
“Tell me why.”
[winks at tattoo artist] No reason.
Imagine my surprise when I found out “restraining order” did not mean she wanted me to tie her up.
Happy with my life but also open to the possibility of a crow picking me up like a french fry and carrying me away
Stuffs sugar packets into my handbag as I leave the cafe.
Sachets away.
It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
“Bring forth the sacrifice. The ritual must proceed.”
The person who invented autocorrect should burn in hello.
“Still upset about earlier?”
Yeah
“So you knocked over a few spaghetti boxes at the store. No big deal”
I WAS A WORLD JENGA CHAMPION, SALLY
Sure, you women *say* you don’t need men anymore. But just wait until we start packaging tampons in tightly sealed jars.
I used to think Ol’ Yeller was a book about my stepdad.
When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.
My ex got me one of those mermaid tail blankets and when I told my mom she said I don’t need to hear about your perverse sexual proclivities and I think of this often
Shit magnet has been purchased! Now we will always remember our trip to Crabonela.
Imagine if batteries screamed in agony when they started to die
Everyone knows there’s no such thing as a zombie army. The proper name is the Marine Corpse.
Superman could have become a doctor, using his x-ray vision to detect life threatening tumors. But no, we really needed another journalist.
When I left for work this morning, the dog begged me to stay and the cat handed me my keys.
freezing my eggs so i can chuck em at his house later
Can i have some thoughts and prayers for my sister?
She’s fine she’s just an idiot.