The actors are getting so old in the Fast and Furious franchise, the next movie will be them stuck in a grocery store parking lot
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I drink expresso irregardless of the time, because, for all intensive purposes, its good for my sole. Also, it keeps my brain alot sharper.
*during sex
Her: This feels weird. Is it a waterbed?
Me: Nope. Way better.
*pulls back sheet to reveal hundreds of meatball subs
Do you think in a parallel universe they just call it parking?
My days of chasing men over. I’m all about chasing food trucks now.
Just because I am an Italian American doesn’t mean my family is in the mob….
It means we used to be.
The key to a successful marriage is flattering your partner on what they do good.
My marriage failed because she never appreciate how good I am at ignoring her.
I’m baking and got molasses on my hand. This is it. I’ll be stuck to something for good in 5 mins. This is how I will die.
I can’t stop laughing at this
Every time I see inside my neighbour’s incredibly pristine garage, I wonder what secret shenanigans he is up to in his basement.
Told my coworker I want a dragon. He said I’m crazy for wanting anything that might set all my shit on fire but he’s the one that’s married.
mother-in-law (on FB): I’m tired of everyone being so condesending
*wife tackles me before I can write “you spelled ‘condescending’ wrong”*
[blind date]
HER: I’d really like to have sextuplets
ME: Oh wow, me too!
HER: Really?
ME: Yeah, but why did you call me “tuplets”?
You might remember me from such productions as Skirt Tucked Into Pantyhose, or, Oh! You Weren’t Waving at Me.
When life hands you 3 kids…..
You add the lemons to some vodka and hide in the closet.
Oh to be a woman in the 1800s, diagnosed with hysteria and getting a lobotomy
I know I’m destined to become a Disney princess when my cat brought me an amputated arm one summer morning after a dragon destroyed my town.
The brat next door is outside banging on a metal bucket in his front yard …..guess it’s about that time to go mow my gravel driveway.
Table for one, please.
Ma’am, your family is right behind you.
You guys, I checked. Wolves can’t blow houses down, even if they are just made of straw and sticks. It’s all anti-wolf propaganda started by Big Pork
Steps into crowded elevator car. Faces everyone. Doors close.
“I’m not sure how long this ride will last so I’ve decided to take a lover.”
If he says “you’re 1 in a million” it means he either has no knowledge of the world population or he thinks there are 7000 people like you
the ocean is technically soup bc it has salt veggies meat and it’s been heating up
Can’t find my belt so I’ll just need to get fatter.
I put my phone in “airplane mode” and threw it up into the air. It just fell and now my screen is cracked.
Worst. Transformer. Ever .
It’s the eye of the tiger.
It’s the spleen of a sheep.
me reading the group chat when nobody thinks i’m around
Quick question guys. Why is my therapist putting on boxing gloves?
my husband had a friend over for drinks last night and i woke up to this and what the hell happened?????
At my age, you can spell Ibuprofen and Acetaminophen without googling it.
The human urge to say “Don’t worry, I’m over it” and then talk about it for the next 20 years.