I’m baking and got molasses on my hand. This is it. I’ll be stuck to something for good in 5 mins. This is how I will die.
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I call bullshit on vampires that look all sexy and shit when they can’t even see their reflection
If my wife doesn’t win anything on this $1 scratch ticket, it’s going to go down as one of the worst anniversary gifts ever.
what if a snake fell asleep wrong and when he woke up his him was alseep
She believed she could so she did and now I have a meeting with her teacher and the principal.
Everyone knows someone with a shelter dog that is 50% Chihuahua and 50% 8 other breeds that is calmer than any other dog in the world and lives to 25. Everyone likes them. The dog is always called like Squirt or something
Before towels were invented people rubbed themselves against the carpet.
First date idea: you buy me a castle in Scotland
Idk why but I get so much joy out of responding to phone scammers with the most dire and preposterous situations
I want to fight these b*****s who are 28 saying, “I’m so old!” but I can’t because I hurt my neck looking down at the ground.
Cop: Tell me your alibi for last night, or you’re going to prison
Me (watched Fight Club with Voldemort): oh no
Fire inspector, “Do you have any enemies?”
Me, “lol do you have a pen?”
My boss said I couldn’t bring my dog into the office so I had to tie him to a tree outside. He’s not happy about it but it’s cool being in the office with my dog.
Interviewer: It says here you’re good with ‘grammars’?
Me: Very yes.
i just convinced a tinder boy we had the same number so i didnt have to text him
Me at work: I miss my little angels-my favorite little ppl on this planet
Me after an hour of being home: these kids are the spawn of satan
I’m an author when I write and I’m an actor when I lie, but I don’t get paid for either so my bio says accountant.
Me: Let’s go to the store.
5 yo: Why?
M: For food.
5: Why?
M: So we can eat.
5: Why?
M: To stay alive.
5: Why?
M: I have no idea.
I don’t have an alarm clock, unless you count my dog’s bladder.
jfc that’s a stupid idea and someone could get hurt so when can we do it?
How normal people flirt…”Hey Sexy*
How I flirt …If you were a tree you’d be a great tree
Perfect pizza run just now. Every light was green, every merge clear, cop chasing me got in an accident, I couldn’t believe my luck.
No one girl should have all that power. 😂
“You know that’s not even a word, right?” I said, condescendingatively
After 9 months and 347 pics of you being pregnant you REALLY only need to post one pic of the baby as proof.
We believe you.
[sifting through mail]
baby shower invitation? Haha, um no thanks, Linda. I have a regular size shower that I can use whenever I want
Eye drops falling everywhere except my eyes is why I have trust issues.
I was just on a date with a woman and, while showing me a video on her phone, saw she received a text that said “well, looks aren’t everything.” Oof
I hate when I want to like a girl’s old picture to let her know I’m interested but I’ve already liked every single one.
Don’t be fooled – orca whales are just penguins set to widescreen 16:9 instead of the usual 4:3.
Ironically, I only know of one person with the name Common.