When your license to kill is expired, you just have to make it look like an accident until it renews.
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I tell women I can’t open that jar because I have a headache.
hmmm
me: can i buy you a drink?
her: i’m getting married at 5
me: cool so we have 2 hours
sex work? uh yeah, I sure hope it does
People Complain They’ve Been Cancelled; coming soon to prime time television.
You had ONE job!
– insensitive greetings card for the recently laid-off.
Facebook: People trying to save the world one uneducated post at a time
Man texted: “I want you to be my little angle.”
I answered: “Do you want me to be obtuse, right, or acute?”Two days have passed, no reply.
Hey, so I was working on an Excel spreadsheet and hit an unfamiliar function button and, long story short, now I am trapped inside it and all these numbers are mad at me
5…! 4…! 3…! 2…! 1…! RENT IS DUE!!! 🎉🥳🎉
Someone die? Time to get high!
Come on down to Barry’s Death Emporium where we put the FUN in funeral and the RAVE in grave!
(BYO shovel)
[working at prison coffee shop]
I walk up to the biggest guy in there & punch his loyalty card bc repeat customers are crucial to business
REP: we are pleased to provide u with the highest level of customer service!
ME: oh sorry, got the wrong number. was tryin to call comcast
Alarms are for people without children or puppies
It looks like someone put their IKEA Güsen together wrong.
Me: “Come on, what’s the worst that could happen?”
My Brain: “Let’s start an alphabetized list categorized by subject and severity, and when we run out of letters we’ll use numbers, and then hold on I should be writing this down”
What’s the worst that could happen? Tried my lady’s body lotion on my face and my face turned into a body, kept doing that hoping to bring back my face and that’s how I ended up 37 feet tall
“We had to let him go. He was only pulling 15 times his weight.”
– Corporate ants.
Ice cream. Ewes scream. We all scream because there are angry sheep in this Baskin Robbins.
I cannot breath, walk, or bend over but DAYUM these skinny jeans look good.
my future husband is probably fake laughing at his girlfriends Iame jokes rn. be patient king, a true clown is on the way.
If you would have told me 20 years ago that I’d be posting stupid jokes on the internet, I would have said what’s an internet.
I SCREAM
YOU SCREAM
WE ALL SCREAM BECAUSE MY WIFE IS DRIVING WITHOUT HER GLASSES ON AGAIN!!
I wish I had the free time of someone who leaves a positive Amazon review for a rake
[deserted Island]
other survivor: we should only use our water for emergencies
me: *waiting on my sponge dinosaurs to expand* obviously
One-ply toilet paper really feels like you’re wiping with a wish
The average human now spends 1.5 years of their life waiting for dumb post-credits scenes.
horror movie
– but it’s just her throwing on the hallmark channel after handcuffing me to the bedposts
The best actress award goes to my 5YO for her performance as a hungry and deprived child just before her bedtime
Cashier: your total comes to $59
Guy who forgets which numbers are funny: heheh nice