I’ve got a joke about Sean Connery’s brother’s attractive daughter. It’s pretty niche.
You Might Also Like
10 likes this girl so I’m going to teach him everything I know about women long story short we’re getting our bikes to ride around her house
what the hell is this stain?
– a memoir
My daughter said her English class requires 1,000 pages of summer reading so we went to The Cheesecake Factory and I handed her a menu
“stop making a mountain out of a molehill” I don’t even know what that means Bethany maybe see a dermatologist
When I was a kid, I got mad at my brother and told him people whose names start with J don’t go to heaven, and my mom just looked at me and said, “Jesus”.
Vote for me and I promise to make fast food places put menus in a place where you can figure out what you want BEFORE you get to the window.
After just 1 hour of watching grandkids, my Fitbit called 911.
COP: “Sir, do you know why I pulled you over?”
ME: “It was way easier than solving a murder?”
I AM THE MAN OF THIS HOUSE AND WHAT I SAY GOES in one ear and out the other.
Crawling into a nice warm barrel of toxic waste and dissolving sounds so appealing…but is it worth the risk of developing super powers or some extra shit like that? So tired.
Every other type of doctor’s office practically has their own app, meanwhile MRI centers are like “It’s 1998 in here, enjoy your CD”
Harness the power of my dog’s wagging tail and we could step into a much greener future.
[last day as the circus’s human cannonball] you can’t fire me I quit
why yes i studied sports medicine at the university of phoenix. *puts stethoscope on basketball, nods*
guy in a zombie apocalypse who just keeps saying “the zombies are more afraid of us than we are of them” and stands up tall and waves his arms around and yells at them and he turns out to be 100% right
Happy April 31st from me & my Dollar Store calendar
[chess tournament]
RIVAL: [plays move]
ME: [knocks board aside. punches rival in face] Chess!
COMMENTATOR: He’s won every round this way
my dog is like me. you can call her and make all the kissy noises you want , she ain’t coming unless it’s her idea.
Removing the pots and pans quietly in the morning is the adult version of Operation.
Babymaking music but it’s the Benny Hill theme song
Relax, folks. The dentist apologized for killing #CecilTheLion after he found out Cecil was famous. He meant to murder a NON-famous lion.
I want rich people’s problems like government denying the permission of landing my chopper on my mansion.
You call it gossiping, I call it a love of knowledge
Whenever I sing, my mom goes outside. Not to get away from me, but to prove to my neighbors that she’s not beating me.
I don’t need feimsm i like my men to be REAL MEN! the worst day of my life was when i realised i had mistakenly married a big bag of oranges
Corn mazes should just be called maizes from now on
me: I’m becoming very forgetful lately
doctor: can you give me an example
me: of what
When I was in college our house got robbed. My roommate took the cops to my room and they said wow they trashed this room and she said no that’s just how she lives. I think about that sometimes.
Last weekend at a friend’s house I shouted “Alexa! play the last argument” and they both panicked
I’m so white when I eat sushi they just bring me a fork they don’t even ask