Me: so this is a weird photo shoot lmao
The cop who’s processing me: would you just shut up already
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Deer: *frozen in headlights*
Deer’s mom: I TOLD you to bring a sweater
Drove by an SUV limo parked on somebody’s front lawn with a “For Sale” sign. Who is buying a random limo on a whim
Never know who you’ll run into at the gas station!
FRED & DAPHNE: *pull the mask off old man jenkins*
JENKINS: gosh darnit if not for you meddling kids I would have survived the pandemic
My husband told me yesterday that his co-worker said I’m gorgeous and considering that I dreamt last night that James Hetfield asked me out, there’s a chance it went to my head.
me: how old is your baby?
her: 46 weeks
me, struggling w/the math: may i offer him a beer?
Me: If I’m guilty of anything, it’s hating the way you change the subject
Judge: And all the murders you did
Me: There you go again
If I hear people screaming, I always go check on them. Not because I’m nosy or some kind of hero. There might be ice cream.
her: why is the cat so sparkly?
me: I think she looks fabulous.
her: WHAT DID YOU PUT IN THE LITTER BOX?
me: you mean the glitter box?
When complaining of a stomach ache, you don’t really need to point to it or pat it gently. People pretty much know where the stomach is.
Trying to pay for a $10 item with a 5 dollar bill and explaining that the bill is double sided
As I sit in isolation for hours, planning to keep a safe distance from my family, I hear them outside the door, shouting words of encouragement.
Like my kids saying, “Make us breakfast!”
And my wife adding, “GET OUT OF THE BATHROOM. YOU AREN’T SICK!”
“I need a woman who can help me grow”
First of all, I’m not Fertilizer.
Me at 23: I can’t believe someone called the cops on us, it’s only 1am!!
Me at 43: It’s 10 o’clock and they’re still making noise. Call the cops.
I have a special place in my heart. For blood and vessels and stuff.
Imagine coming back to life as a zombie but someone tied your shoes together before you were buried.
*yawns, while roaring like a dinosaur*
*everyone in the church looks at me*
*waves with T-rex arms*
i can’t believe adam and eve had to leave the garden of eden over an apple. if it were a better fruit like a mango or a peach I would understand but an apple?
In the theater
Me: Haven’t you ever seen someone stuff their bra before?
Him: Not with tater tots
*pause*
Gimme some.
IKEA Customer Services: hello, how may we help?
me: I seem to be missing a couple of parts
IKEA CS: could you describe the missing pieces?
me: well, where to begin…
*makes plans with someone*
(30 seconds later) what have I done
Interviewer: describe a time when you were asked to do something you were uncomfortable doing and you declined
Me: no
Imagine a world without Queen. We’d have no idea who the champions are
due to inflation 6 inches is now 9 inches
#JohnTravolta
Me(being handcuffed): Oh, now it’s illegal to throw a house warming party?
Cop: For the last time, it’s called arson.
People say Twitter is a futile waste of time, but that’s only if you’re doing it right
Cat: if my calculations are correct, a meteor will destroy the Earth in 324 days…
[What I hear]
Cat: meow..
Me: awe, who wants a snuggle?
[being stopped by the cops]
Me: if they ask about a missing dolphin just play it cool
My new best friend: *clicky noises*
Me: okay okay *i toss him a fish to keep him quiet*
This salad isn’t going to toss itself. *winks*
– Things you shouldn’t say as you pass food around the Thanksgiving table 🙁