Imagine coming back to life as a zombie but someone tied your shoes together before you were buried.
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I asked my husband to play bagpipes at my funeral so I can be happy that I’m dead.
yeah jesus turned water to wine, but yankee doodle turning a feather in a hat to macaroni is next level
My favorite thing to do when my grandkids visit is to bake a big batch of fresh cookies.
Then I eat them all by myself.
Screw those kids.
My entire life looks like a drug deal gone bad.
Professor i’d like an extension on my paper. why? well my ex just got married & i have to comment “lame” on all her wedding pics on facebook
[girlfriend texting me] so what are you gonna do to me tonight 😉
[remembers how she likes it rough] shoot you out of a cannon
Talk about bad timing #JokeoftheDay #Conan
My 2 year old woke up.
5 minutes of “Mommy!”
5 minutes of “Mommy?”
Said “Daddy?” one time & my wife said, “You should go check on her”.
“Keep it in your pants,” I say, refusing to put my husband’s heavy key ring in my purse.
I need a house elf. No weirdos tho.
Wolf: Woof!
Me: Omg Pokémon do exist.
Google search history:
-double chin reduction exercises
-double chin plastic surgery cost
-double fudge brownie recipe
People keep tagging a random person instead of the incoming British prime minister and she’s rolling with it lol
“And now we wait.” —me when I dislike someone before my friends do.
if we know your religion, stance on gun control & how many kids you have just by looking at your car, you have way too many bumper stickers
[First date]
Date: I’m looking for a guy who’s above average.
Me: [Trying to be above average] I’ve eaten 17 spiders this year
My master plan is to forget sunglasses at every location in the world so wherever I am I’ll always have sunglasses.
[date]
Me: Wanna watch Star Wars?
Him: No interest, before my time.
Me *pretending to choke him with my mind*
Him: What’re you doing?
put a pic of a girl with perfect abs on my fridge so I’m motivated to suck in my gut every time I pull out the ice cream
hey, teens who listen to classic rock: you were probably conceived to some of your favorite songs.
“We’re up all night to get Loki” -Daft Punk feat. The Avengers
Don’t like your daughter’s boyfriend?
Leave this on his windshield.
FRIEND: Thanks for letting me stay here while I’m in town
ME: No problem
FRIEND: Do u have a Waffle House nearby?
ME: No they’re all wood
I was so happy when I got my first washer dryer, now, 3 kids and a puppy later, nothing short of my own laundromat would excite me
I asked my 5yo if he wanted leftover chicken for dinner, he said ‘ew, that’s a whole day old’ and I didn’t know I gave birth to a mini Gordon Ramsey.
Still disappointed that a goblet is just a cup and not a miniature goblin.
4: Mommy, do I look like a taco?
(I pause, consider the question and remind myself I’m dealing with a highly irrational creature)
Me: Do you want to look like a taco?
4: Yes!
Me: You look exactly like a taco.
t-shirt: Lay flat to dry
me: I can’t do laundry lying down
Mouth: Uh oh…. it’s that sauce word.
Brain: It’ll be fine, you’ve been practicing.
Me: Will you pass the worth chester’s shire?
Date: I’m sorry… what?
Me: Worse rooster shear?
Brain: WILL SOMEBODY MAKE HIM STOP!!
THIS SIGN MAKES ME SO HAPPY 😊😊😊