Mouth: Uh oh…. it’s that sauce word.
Brain: It’ll be fine, you’ve been practicing.
Me: Will you pass the worth chester’s shire?
Date: I’m sorry… what?
Me: Worse rooster shear?
Brain: WILL SOMEBODY MAKE HIM STOP!!
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A short story of betrayal:
*grabs your ankle from a storm sewer* if your barbie doll needs a hula hoop use an onion ring
[dinner party]
*removing myself from table* Excuse me, I have to take this.
*picks up host’s dog*
*leaves*
We’re all ridiculous…
It’s not a competition.
If you had a choice between owning a dragon or world peace, what would you name your dragon?
Superhero Movies Love to Have Villains Who Are Totally Right… Until They’re Randomly Super Wrong
Hero: A space monster. I’m gonna blast it!
Scientest: No! We must capture it and bring it back to Earth for science.
Science: I don’t need any space monsters. Go ahead and blast it.
My wife said she wants to rescue a cat so I threw it in the pool.
Marry the person who looks at you the way a Labrador looks at a tennis ball…obsessed, slightly crazed and probably drooling a little.
My 12yo daughter has a male friend in her room right now and I just heard her say the word “romance” through the door, so if you need me I’ll be knocking on their door with panic-snacks every 10 minutes and weeping salty dad-tears the rest of the time
My 3-year-old was having yogurt for breakfast. He decided to pretend it was ice cream. Then got mad at me because it really wasn’t ice cream.
There aren’t enough condom ads in the world.
coworker: you’re 37? you look younger
me: i let a demon possess me in exchange for external youth
coworker: ha ha *leaves*
demon inside me: you gotta stop saying that someone’s gonna believe you
me: meh. i’m going to the break room for a donut
demon: ooo get a maple bar
And then she accused me of oversharing. Can you believe that?
Drive thru cashier:
My family doesn’t have a swear jar, but we do have a totes perf jar. If you say totes or perf, we throw a jar at you
[gym]
Him: Are you using that machine?
Me: *locked in a passionate embrace with the squat rack* it’s CLEARLY mutual
[first date]
“So… you didn’t mention that you’re trapped in 230 million year old amber.”
[my motionless eyes glint within my golden shell]
Friend: Those are really big sprinkles on your cupcake.
Me: They’re ibuprofen.
I like microwaves that spin the food around because I’m all, oh yeah, hot pocket, looking good, girl, from the front AND the back uh huh.
My husband’s family tree is more like a rosebush.
It’s filled with pricks.
If I was in charge of SWAT I’d change the name to the “Special Weapons And Grenades” team just so police would have to radio in for SWAG
Me ignoring red flags and clinging to toxic relationships because I’m a silly goose
Me: pew pew…pew pew pew
Guy at next urinal: Please stop
*plane crashes in ocean*
*washes ashore island*
*imprisoned by crabs*
*rises to become Crab Emperor*
*assassinated by most trustworthy crab*
I understand my credit score the way I understand the tides. It moves up and down and has something to do with the moon I think
[guy next to me at urinal]
“Is that a 5 or 6?”
…about 5-1/2 I guess.
“Really? (looks at iPhone on my hip) Can I see it?”
*zips up* No.
Heartbreaking: Introvert sentenced to 100 hours of hanging out.
Nude Descending a Staircase is both my favorite work of art and the most common entry on my criminal records.
*turns my phone upside down like a tip and strip pen*
Everyone naked?
If I say, “Don’t worry, I’m on it,” there’s a 98% chance I’m referring to my couch.