There are no more ventriloquist’s dummy comedians because the ventriloquist dummies killed them all.
You Might Also Like
so funny that we all have skeletons. underneath it all we’re just a bunch of spooky little bald guys
I’ve been putting my sunglasses on and walking away from things in slow motion all day, nothing has exploded yet.
Me: How long should I roast asparagus in the oven?
Food Blogger: Wondering how long to roast asparagus? C’mere! I’ve got your answer!
Me: Cool! Thank-
Food Blogger: I was born on a farm in Tennessee. My father was an angry man with 3 fingers on each hand. A war injury…
Trainer: what are your goals?
Me: to pet all the dogs
Trainer: no, fitness goals
Me: to be able to run fast enough to pet all the dogs
I nearly choked on a hard boiled egg and I know in my heart a cinnamon bun would never treat me this way
Me: I’ll be there in five minutes
Pharmacist: It should be ready
Me: *time travels ten years to the future, goes to store*
Mutant Insect Pharmacist: It’ll be another fifteen minutes
Me: I KNEW IT
I’ve decided to become one of those super relatable twitter accounts. Folks, dontcha just hate it when you drop cob of corn and it rolls out your open front door and people are calling you all day going “I saw your corn”
Husband: Do you know where I put my lava lamp?
Me: 1970.
Marry someone the same size as you to avoid decades of annoyance adjusting the seats and mirrors in the car
me: tries to sleep.
clock: i think i’m going to karaoke in Morse code now.
Boss: Where were you on Friday?
Me: It was a holiday.
Boss: HALLOWEEN IS NOT A PAID HOLIDAY!
Me: It is if you go as Christmas.
Boss:…
TV Show Idea:
Speculation news.
A sort of news programme that uses a small amount of information and stretches it out for hours on end with absolutely no further facts other than speculation based on nothing at all, by self appointed experts in unrelated subjects.
Me: I can’t wait to say goodbye to 2021!
2022: *Somehow already on fire*
Wife: could you just run to the-
Edward Scissorhands: you want me to WHAT
My boss said I have a lot of emotional intelligence which I think is his way of saying, “we’re worried about your actual intelligence”
[my first day as an art teacher]
“before u start drawing let your eyes linger over the subject”
(it’s a dead bullfrog dressed as a cowboy)
I’m inventing a new holiday where you take back one gift you previously gave someone.
Got him!
Kristen Stewart seems like one of those missing milk carton kids who was raised by their kidnapper.
Sick of people telling me to “calm down” and “release the hostages.”
Am I romantic?
I do the rose petal thing but I use potato salad.
So, I don’t know.
You tell me.
Someone asked me if I had any hobbies and I panicked and said “lasagna”
Husband: Why are there two broken condoms on the backseat?
Wife: Please stop calling our kids that.
If you watch an Apple store get robbed, are you an iWitness?
drunk in public? why good sir back in my day we used to call it “turnt” how do I keep up with the parlance of these times.
My Guy
what do you want to eat?
what are you in the mood for?
Me: I like my whiskey like my marriage
Bar tender: On the rocks?
Me: What? No. Full of coke
Oh no. My girlfriend sold her hair to buy me a pocket watch chain and I also bought myself a pocket watch chain.
“HI DO YOU WANT TO DRESS UP NICE SO WE CAN QUEUE OUTSIDE A CLUB & GET INSIDE & QUEUE UP TO BUY A DRINK & THEN QUEUE UP TO GO TO THE TOILET?”