every year on st. paddy’s my mom would give us each a cabbage leaf and we would wear them on our heads like a little hat while we ate our corned beef. i thought this was a thing all irish people did but it turns out my mom just thought it was funny. found out in college.
You Might Also Like
I eat my chips like any normal person, waiting to get to the perfect chip before I stop.
*crunch*
too salty*crunch*
this one is broken*crunch*
that one was perfect but I’m still hungry*crunch*
not salty enough*crunch*
broken again
Best Halloween yard decorations 😂
If there was vomit on my sweater already from mom’s spaghetti I think I would just stay home. No rap battles for me tonight please, I am unwell
Don’t tell me there’s not a housing crisis; in the 1980’s we had so much housing, every pizza had its own hut.
ME: Ugh hate summer when bees are flying everywhere
BEE [angrily undoing seatbelt on plane] I’m gonna sting him
BEE WIFE:Just leave it David
Did a trash talking tree write this?
If I had a dollar for every time I messed something up at work, I’d be salaried and at my current level of compensation
As a teen: hiding in the shed, secretly drinking.
As a dad: hiding in the shed, secretly drinking.
Few people realize that before they were domesticated, the wild vacuum cleaner was the only natural predator of wolves…
Hence, dogs instinctive reaction to them today.
“Dad why’d u name me this?”
I named u after the greatest athlete to ever live
“Oh ok”
Now let’s go, Air Bud, we’re gonna be late for church
You people that are getting laid regularly either need to keep that stuff to yourselves or be more descriptive.
My girlfriend and I are celebrating our anniversary tonight by breaking up six years ago.
*Australian accent* Notice the wife in her natural habitat shaming the male husband species into doing what she wants!
Oh sure, a 3yo can get candy for not pooping their pants, but when I demand wine for successful defecation, I get sent home by HR.
i’m stubborn like an old person & stupid like a young person & have the good qualities of neither
Call your dad now and ask him what the wifi password is so he has time to find the little paper it’s written on before Thanksgiving.
I’ve been waiting for this moment and it has finally happened.
I got a paper review back saying I need to familiarise myself more with the works of Heejung Chung and that my work should engage more with her work.
[operating room]
SURGEON: We’ve lost him
NURSE: Exact time of death?
GUY IN THE CORNER INSTALLING CABLE: Sometime between 2pm and 6pm
For 10 years I believed my best friend was a mute, but it turns out that someone has just drawn a boy in the corner of my glasses.
Being a civilian in a city of superhero’s must be so long 😭
My wife was holding a broom, so I packed her away with the Halloween decorations.
“Lloyd, could you keep your eyes on the road, please?” Oh. Yea. Good thinkin’. Can’t be too careful. A lot of bad drivers out there.
Would you rather have ten thousand dollars or five dollars for every time you thought you were hilarious but no one laughed?
WEBMD: Enter symptoms
Me: cold chills, squishy brain, stinging skin
WEBMD: You are a jellyfish
the three branches of government
[At the pearly gates]
Me: what was it like, watching my life from up here?
Saint Peter: the book was so much better.
keep your friends close but your smartphone closer
ME: *playing the piano*
WIFE: You’re a regular Van Gogh
ME: Why thank you, honey
{three days later}
ME: Wait a second
Life before kids: Owns 1 pair of scissors and knows exactly where they are.
Life after kids: Owns 16 pairs of scissors and has a better chance of seeing God than finding them.
She likes her men how she likes her coffee: sliding off the roof of her car