*Australian accent* Notice the wife in her natural habitat shaming the male husband species into doing what she wants!
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Cat Negotiator: Ok, so we’ll shit in a box in your house and you will clean it up
Humans: And you will be a loyal friend
Cat: hahahaha sure
didn’t think I was even that high until I met buzz aldrin in the mirror just now
Where do I see myself in 5 years? May 2019. Next question.
I can always tell when it’s closer to Christmas. My wife replaces the hand soap with the stuff that smells like gingerbread and I spend a week looking for cookies that haven’t been made yet
JOCKEY: “Watch me whip”
HORSE: “Watch me neigh neigh”
when i’m stressed out it really helps to hold all the world’s bad news six inches from my face til 2am
You shouldn’t underestimate the number of places that you can’t put your finger after you’ve been chopping chillies.
“sir, can i ask why you’re smoking TWO huge blunts?”
“officer, I’m…”
*turns to camera*
“double jointed”
*cop starts breakdancing*
[sloth wedding]
“I”
[six months later]
“do.”
Dear Son-I apologize for ruining your life by asking you to put your dishes in the dishwasher!
Mayo fridge always be filled with condiments
Everyone is just looking for that special someone who could do way better but chooses not to for some inexplicable reason.
At the park, my daughter & I saw an old man gardening at a church next door. He smiled & tossed a pale root vegetable over the fence at me. We didn’t speak the same language so I dunno what it is, but I planted it & it’s growing like crazy. This is how a Stephen King novel starts
Mechanic: Your car’s got a flat
Me: It’s called a garage
water it, i dare you
I would make a terrible Buddhist because I kill a lot of ants and drifters
I accidentally drank a bottle of invisible ink last night.
I’m in the hospital now, waiting to be seen.
I see that my reputation for using just slightly the wrong word proceeds me.
[produce section, grocery store]
Him: *finding the perfect apple* So, is there a Grandpa Smith?
me: someone stole my glasses
cop: what did they look like
me: blurry
“Oh heyyy youuu. How are YOU doing? How’s your… stuff? I haven’t seen you in… time.”
-I say to the person I don’t remember.
when you need to shoot exactly four evenly-spaced dudes
Who needs Google when you’ve got a brother-in-law who knows it all?
I once saw someone stare at the McDonald’s menu for 15 minutes before ordering just one cheeseburger with no cheese. So yes, I do believe there are still undecided voters
*gets filled with hope*
Hope: *has a leak*
Netflix suggested I watch my kids.
My memory is horrible but I remember every person I loaned a book to that didn’t return it.
Science can’t explain it, but some hairs can grow up to a quarter inch overnight. Never in a good spot though
NUTRITIONIST: did you know that one beer equals 7 slices of bread?
ME: wow, what a time saver.
angel: why did you change the name to ’skunk’?
God: I thought ’stinky cat’ gave away the surprise