I know we have a lot of problems but never forget that about 100 years ago we suddenly made most horses unemployed and someday soon they will have their revenge.
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Leaving your home without your smart phone is modern day camping. You’re out there in the wild with no way of making contact with anyone, roughing it up on your way to pick up dry cleaning.
Thursday
Mom: if your friends jumped off a bridge, would you jump too?
Me, friendless: rub it in a little more, Judy
What should we call this giant advertising board?
PHIL: A philboard
BILL: I have a better idea
*Whispers, spitters are for quitters.
~Wine tasting, you pervs!
I dropped a pill and while I was on the floor looking for it, I found a different, better, pill. So, that was cool.
Dog: Uh oh. Gonna puke.
Cat: OK, what you wanna do is, keep walking. Puke every ten feet or so. Make sure you get under the bed.
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
ME: What if I have a robotic arm?
PRIEST: God will make you whole again in Heaven.
ME: But what if I really love my robotic arm?
PRIEST: God will grant you happiness.
ME: Can God give me two robotic arms?
PRIEST: Please, I beg you, others are waiting to use the confessional.
dr: what happened here
me: i got bit by a horse when I tried to put a birthday hat on him
dr: why
me: wasn’t his birthday I guess
DOCTOR: Push again, the baby is-
MOTHER: IS SOMETHING WRONG?
DOCTOR: [holding phone] No, I just caught a Jigglypuff up in there.
Imagine the headless horsemen only its me running into everything waving my arms while trying to get my head through my sweater before bed.
[watching House of Cards]
where are the cards
Boss: Are you high?
Me: If I was high could I do this?
*teleports two inches to the right*
When you think your man is being romantic but really he just doesn’t have electricity.
A very large bee just flew by and dropped a big spider on me. What kind of sick collaboration is this?
got up early enough to go on a 10 mile run, lift weights, and stretch before having a healthy breakfast, i mean i didn’t do any of that but i definitely got up early enough to
Her: In case you’re interested, I’m dying.
Me: Then I’ll only set one place for dinner.
If ostriches had arms they would be so good at hugging.
ME: Alexa, am I drunk?
TUBE OF PRINGLES:
Am I having a stroke?
After multiple failed attempts to sleep in my bed my 3yr old came creeping in wearing sun glasses. After being denied once again she said “I tried a disguise this time. I thought for sure it would work.”
facebook is down so i am having to improvise
“Son you’re just not cut out to be a mime.”
“Is it something I said?”
“Yes.”
This isn’t fat this is a stockpile. I’m doomsday prepping.
Me: [smiling straight ahead toward camera]
iPhone facial recognition: who the fuck are you
Me: [head down, chin doubled, scowling]
iPhone facial recognition: OH HEY THERE YOU ARE!
Receptionist: The doctor will see you now.
Me: *applying camouflage paint* I very much doubt that.
I just want the confidence of my grandpa in church taking a call from the pharmacy on speaker phone to confirm his Viagra prescription.
My fiancée loves to say she’s color blind, yet anytime starbursts are being eaten in the car I get passed the orange and yellow