After multiple failed attempts to sleep in my bed my 3yr old came creeping in wearing sun glasses. After being denied once again she said “I tried a disguise this time. I thought for sure it would work.”
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Tell me one musician who was born to ask permission to go online.
I’ll start: Kenny Loggins
If the kids can eat chocolate eggs for breakfast, that means I can have Bailey’s in my coffee, right?
Love spending a relaxing Sunday curled up with a good book as it sits next to me untouched while I scroll through twitter for three hours
If anyone is missing a cup it’s probably in my daughter’s room
My mother’s scale of concern:
1 missed call = I am busy with the kids.
2 missed calls = I am being murdered in a ditch.
The average Apple employee works 6 hours longer a day than an Apple battery.
You know who DOES see something wrong with a little bump n’ grind?
Trevor in human resources.
The cool thing about driving 15 mph in a school zone is that it makes it so much easier to text.
Did you know a tornado with no debris is called a naked twister?
Related: This evening is not going how I imagined.
safety message: make your coffee before assisting others with their coffee
Landlord: The lease said no murders! This is the biggest murder I’ve ever seen.
Crow tenant: *wasted* tell the world, you little shit.
Wife’s asleep, so while watching TV I apologized to her corner spot on the sofa, for opening the bag of chips during key scenes
Patient: I think my problem is imposter syndrome.
Me: [sweating] I assure you I’m a fully licensed psychologist. Or psychiatrist. Which is the one that prescribes meds?
Sex so good you forget you’re married…to each other.
*first date*
Brain: Quick say something intresting
Me: Lasagna is spaghetti flavored cake
Brain: Nice
once i complete this philosophy degree it’s over for you Nietzsches
STUBBORN belly fat?
Is there any other type?
Alien: We come in peace
Human: Aw man, we hate that
“We’ve got to stop meeting like this,” I say to the neighbor’s cute golden retriever after climbing the fence to pet him.
Priest: Do you read to your kids from the Good Book?
Me: Every night
Priest: What’s their favorite part?
Me: When Frodo destroys the ring
“As the crow flies” means something entirely different when it’s “in your living room” and you are “hiding in the closet with your cat.”
Met 3 other women in the bathroom at this restaurant who are also on first dates. We all collaborated and discussed our dates in here. We are best friend and will be in each other weddings
Arkansas was named when a pirate tried to spell Kansas
I don’t know why they are staring. Ignore them.
*Holds drink up to your voodoo doll’s mouth*
*catches frisbee*
“this is the kinda thing I mean when I say you guys don’t take staff meetings seriously”
[sifting through mail]
baby shower invitation? Haha, um no thanks, Linda. I have a regular size shower that I can use whenever I want
god: make a guy who brings children presents
angel: aww that’s nice
god: have him slide through chimneys at night
angel: wait what
god: i want him to scream ho ho ho while riding a flying sled pulled by a bunch of those horned horses
angel: dude
Waiter, Waiter, I don’t eat meat, fish, eggs, gluten or dairy. What do you recommend?
A taxi.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Me: Please drink your milk.
Me: Please drink your milk.
Me: Don’t forget about your milk.
Me: Have you drank your milk?
Me: Drink. Your. Milk.
3: Yuck, this milk is warm.
I am all good here, 😂😉