The average Apple employee works 6 hours longer a day than an Apple battery.
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If it wasn’t for my coworkers who arrive to work after me I would never know it’s been raining for 7 days.
I’m actually kind of handsome when you’re drunk and the light is low and there’s no other dudes around and you have low standards.
My toddler won’t go to sleep so I gave her a big kiss and told her that I love her very much but a little less after 9pm. She thought this was hilarious and is currently in her room cracking up, while I’m sitting here wondering how much her therapy bills are gonna be
Drove my Chevrolet to the levrolet but the levrolet was dry.
– an early draft
Teacher: Any questions
*raises hand*
T: NO DUMB ONES
“Can you see continent names from space”
T: FOR FU-..ugh…Not if it’s cloudy bud
I’m still awake because my brain can’t locate my sleep file, babe
Your Honor, my client argues that juggling chicken nuggets while driving is actually a skill.
My ex wife has the only copy of our wedding video, can’t see myself getting married again.
I never understood why people complain about camping. What’s not to love about a luxury, air-conditioned cabin fully stocked with food, beer, and WiFi?
*turns off comments*
me: what’s the weather today
weatherman: party sunny
me: and tomorrow?
weatherman: partly cloudy
me: what’s the difference
weatherman:
me:
weatherman: *whispers into tie* he knows too much
[a red dot appears on my forehead]
I’m telling you, my cat mimics my every move. And that wouldn’t be a problem if she wasn’t constantly trying to steal my fake eye lashes
Yes I delete tweets when they don’t live up to my expectations.
Just be glad I don’t have kids.
13: I found a baggie of pot.
M: *takes it* Thank you, bringing it to an adult was the right thing to do. Now go outside and play for 3 hrs.
When a copywriter is asked to make a headline “punchier,” that’s both a description of what the requester wants and how they make us feel.
Been running on this treadmill for three hours but the timer says 16 minutes
There’s no-one who can get more drunk on power than the admin of a village Facebook group
*on a first date*
Me: I’m in financ-
Her: oh finance that’s cool
Me: ial debt. Crippling financial debt
Fight club but it’s really just me trying to grab air before I fall on the ice.
NFT’s are played out. For the rest of 2022 we’re buying real monkeys, straight cash
I wish I were a Jedi.
I don’t want to use the Force or anything.
I just want to hang out in my bathrobe all day.
I love that my dog always comes home from the groomer wearing a bandana. It’s like he was only gone for three hours, but joined a gang in that time.
*Show and tell day*
Me: You know what to do?
Daughter: Wait until I’m asked, then yell “it’s loose, cover your mouths!”
Me: *hands her an unoccupied terrarium* That’s my girl
boss: where have you been for the past seven days
me: in bed
boss: but i said sleep was for the weak
Hey Chandler, wanna hang out with me, Phoebe and Monica later? We’re going to the park to open and close umbrellas in a fountain.
“Have you tried putting balogna in it?”
~me, as a marriage counselor
I only tell jokes so someone will explain them to me.
I̶t̶’̶s̶ ̶t̶o̶o̶ ̶e̶a̶r̶l̶y̶ ̶t̶o̶ start drinking
at this point space aliens could land on earth on sunday night before the election & we’d all go yeah ok whatever
doctor: you have 2 weeks to live… haha just kiddin i didnt even look at your chart yet
patient: well what does it actually say
doctor: *reading chart* ok youre gonna laugh