Yes I delete tweets when they don’t live up to my expectations.
Just be glad I don’t have kids.
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Me: Coke please
Server: Sorry we don’t have Coke. Is vodka ok?
Me: Why yes, yes it is
[lips on a snake]
WIFE: what are you doing?
ME: getting rid of the poison
WIFE: you’re supposed to suck your own bite
SNAKE: leave him alone
2035: EVERY CELEBRITY HAS EXPRESSED AN AWFUL OPINION. THE ONLY ENTERTAINMENT IS A SMALL CAT…UNTIL ONE DAY, IT CLEARLY MEOWS “HITLER”
Social media becomes more tolerable when you read angry comments in Kermit’s voice.
No thanks Ice Bar. If anyone wants to get me inside a freezer they’re gonna have to murder me first.
*discretely picks a booger*
*slyly wipes it on her blouse*
Funeral Director: Sir, we can see you and narrating it just makes it worse.
When I asked my daughter if she liked student council last year she said thoughtfully, ‘I did. There were a lot of free snacks,” and so sometimes people are drawn to leadership roles with Cheezits.
The cheapest workout for your core is standing on the train without holding onto anything.
My new credit card has this awesome theft protection where it just says “declined” whenever you use it.
My father claims there’s nothing like being independent and yet he hasn’t washed a dish since 1975.
Going from summer clothes to winter clothes: Ok.
Going from winter clothes to summer clothes: I AM NOT READY.
Welcome to your 40’s. You’ll be mad if a neighbor doesn’t mow their lawn.
I use a wheelchair. Whenever I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my greatest weakness is, I always want to say, “Stairs”.
Me in my 20’s: Bad to the bone
Me in my 40’s: Glued to my phone
Finally, an instrument I can play!
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My purse is deeper than some people.
Rich people are telling us their lack of bathing habits to try & discourage us from eating them
they shouldn’t make rare paintings “priceless” – they should give them a price. that way if they’re stolen, the thief has a number to go with when selling the rare paintings
Me on all social media accounts after taking one good picture
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me: I’ve been thinking about you all day.
cookie:
ART TEACHER: Why have you painted the water green again? It looks-
ME: I’m bringing *puts on sunglasses* Shrek sea back
AT: You’re expelled
My toxic trait is checking my phone at 3am like there’s going to be something good waiting there.
“It’s not about the money.”
-people with money
The kids wanted the Zero Gravity Laser Racer, a toy car that follows a laser.
I handed them a flashlight and pointed at the cat.
I was driving home the other day, when suddenly a group of robbers jumped in and stole everything. They were pirates of the car I be in.
My 7yr old was legit mad at me because I wouldn’t let her practice giving me a Covid test with Q-tips. The meltdown was torture but I feel like I made the right choice.
No one:
Me trying to remember the person’s name I just met as they’re still talking:
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Kids playing baseball in the backyard really hits home. Usually on a window.
He’s eating a burger and fries all nom nom nom and I’m over here eating a salad all non non non.
I’m into all kinds of spirits: the paranormal kind and the drinking kind.