Yes I delete tweets when they don’t live up to my expectations.
Just be glad I don’t have kids.
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That awkward moment when you try something on in a shop but you don’t know if you can get it off again.
ME: “I’ll have a rum & coke.”
HIM: “I can’t serve you.”
ME: “Because I’m too drunk?”
HIM: “No. ’cause this is a hardware store.”
LEONARDO DA VINCI: *on street corner* eeey girl! gimme a smile, girl! nah, not that big. make it cryptic, girl, like ‘what is she thinking’
Me: It’s such a nice day, I’m going to sit outside, read, listen to music, and have a couple of beers
*Neighbors dog stands at fence and barks for five minutes straight*
Me: You’re right, pooch. I should go to a bar, stimulate the local economy, and hijack the TouchTunes.
Whenever I think I’m having a bad day I think about the time I ran a half marathon and at the starting line all my music mysteriously disappeared and I had to listen to Sugar by Maroon 5 for 13.1 miles
chip clip: *hears crinkling of bag* hey buddy, you think you’ll be needing me at all
me: not tonight, my friend
If you add enough jalapeños no one will ever know you’re a bad cook.
My son said a bunch of disparaging things about Billy Joel and now he sleeps outside in a tent. That’ll learn him.
Me: [arguing with Tom Cruise] OMG JUST PICK A POSSIBLE MISSION
I relate more to “Rice, rice, baby” – because Asian
i aspire to be the type of grandparent my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
How close to the road does something have to be to assume it’s free to take, because that’s a really cool mailbox.
You can’t tell me there’s anything better than ear plugs, I simply will not hear it
*notices one of my own hairs on my dog*
WELL IT SEEMS THE TABLES HAVE TURNED
It’s so rude how nobody has fallen madly in love with me today
Therapist: do what makes u happy and don’t do what makes u sad
Me: so happy music makes me happy
Therapist: yea
Me: and sad music makes me sad
Therapist: yea
Me: and I’m sad
Therapist: yea
Me: therefore I should listen to sad music
Therapist: so close
What do you call a man who does all the cooking, cleaning and washing without complaint?
Single.
[doorbell]
“Hi, do you have time to discuss the Bible?”
“You have cookies?”
“No, sir I-”
“Come back when you have cookies.”*closes door*
DR: Good news and bad news
LADY: What’s the bad news
DR: Your husbands dead
LADY: *crying* Oh my god
DR: *holding finished sudoku behind back* Ask what the good news is
Chairs are pretty great.
You can fight a lion, or sit if you want.
Hey, I may not look like much right now, but believe me, in the morning I’ll look even worse.
Stop listening to amateur meteorologists on social media! Get your weather predictions from chonky dirt rodents this week like the good Lord intended.
You ever just look at your spouse and KNOW they’re the one you want to fall asleep really soon so you don’t have to share your pizza rolls with?
podcasts
[High school reunion]
Person: “Are you wearing the same clothes you wore on our last day of school?”
Me: “You told me to never change.”
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*– parallel parking a time machine
Interviewer: What would you like to get out of this job?
Me: As many free office supplies as possible.
i was carrying a 15′ handrail through menards when i jokingly challenged a lady to a jousting match. later, when i thought i saw her again in the parking lot, i said ‘are you ready to joust!” but it wasn’t the same lady.
Me: So if I call Canada it’s billed as international?
Phone rep: Yes. Cuz Canada is a country.
Me: You should hear how ridiculous you sound.
*jesus rubs his temples before giving a sermon*
anyone else feel like choking that seagull over there?