Going from summer clothes to winter clothes: Ok.
Going from winter clothes to summer clothes: I AM NOT READY.
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God: kill your son
Abraham: uh…ok
God: holy shit I’m jk
Abraham: umm…
God: I’ll probably kill mine tho lol
Abraham: wtf?
Cause of death: doing a gentle twist to the right
What was that movie where the guy shrunk his kids then told his wife about it
Hey dude that invented the unicycle…
Where were you wanting to go ?
then not go,
then go,
then not go,
then get bored and juggle
We’re intellectual opposites.
You’re intellectual and I’m opposite.
[on a date]
Her: I like a guy who’s chill and not jealous
Me: What’s his name?
Not trying to brag but I just beat the high score on this blood pressure machine.
I yelled SHIT! while watching the football game and immediately followed it up with, “Sorry buddy,” to my 10 yr old.
10, “It’s ok. It’s football, you can say shit during the game and not get in any trouble.”
me: officer there’s a suspicious looking van parked outside
cop: does it look shady?
me: yeah it’s actually a pretty good parking spot
That escalated quickly
– Me to 4 unamused strangers on the Mall escalator.
I just tried to steal a gummy worm from my kid’s candy bag and EVERY ONE OF THEM HAS A BITE TAKEN OUT.
Well played, little dude. Well played.
Salt can’t be the only delicious rock. There must be other delicious rocks somewhere…
I’m guessing Scientology would have a lot more followers if they would’ve just come out and said they were pimps right from the start.
Do you want a straw or do you want a STRAW?
All the smart people at the office are worried about being replaced by A.I., but not me. I’m safe until they invent Artificial Stupidity.
Anyone else’s grandma used to slip them a five dollar bill like the mob bribing a witness not to testify?
“…just don’t tell your mother.”
Me: “Stay back! I’m an expert when it comes to karate!”
*mugger approaches*
Me: “Karate is a martial art developed on the Ryukyu Islands.”
My right eye is twitching like it’s at some kind of techno dance party that the rest of me wasn’t invited to.
there’s a pig in my mom’s neighborhood who escapes her home to roam the neighborhood every couple days and someone will hit their community fb page like “penelope is over here eating my tomatoes” and the owner will be like “god dammit i’ll be right there”
Please take your Apple Watch off if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a spy kid
Dis earing letters?
There’s an ‘app’ for that.
Best misinterpreted text ever!
It was thirty seconds til daybreak
I waited patiently
And then it dawned on me
[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.
Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
The best thing about wearing socks all the time is being able to clean coffee spills without lifting a finger.
*standing outside your house
I was totally going to stalk you but…
*pets your dog instead
So annoying how every time I go to sleep, my wife starts whispering into my ear “Go towards the light.”
Him: And if you don’t have my money by Friday I’ll send my 5 toughest guys to beat it out of you
Me: Okay first of all I’m incredibility flattered that you think it’ll take 5 of you to win…
Watching a special
about climate change. Oh, wait.
This is a window.